How Do You Know When You Are In Love?

"How can I know when I'm really in love?" asked Ruby, a client of mine. "How can I know if what I feel for Jim is really love or just infatuation? How can I know if this feeling will last?"

Ruby and Jim had been dating for 11 months and were considering marriage. Ruby, 32, felt "head over heels" in love with Jim, but she had felt head over heels in love with Adam, as well as with Mark.

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"That feeling didn't last with Adam or Mark. How do I know it will last with Jim? How can you tell when it's the real thing?" How Can I Tell If My Relationship Will Last?

"Ruby," I told her, "the answer to this important question depends upon which part of you feels 'in love' and which part of Jim you are 'in love' with."

I explained to Ruby that she can be in love from her ego wounded self, or she can be in love from her true self or core self — her essence, her soul self. If she is in love from her wounded self, it will be about external things and the love will not last. But, if she is in love from her soul self, it will be about internal things and it is very likely that the love will see her through all the challenges that come up in relationships.

"Ruby," I asked her, "What do you love about Jim?"

"I've been thinking about that a lot," she answered. "It's kind of funny, some of the things I love about him. I love his walk and his smell. I love the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles and I love his laugh. I love just being next to him. There is something about his energy — I don't quite know how to talk about it — that I love being around. I love his touch."

Ruby continues with, "I love his kindness and sensitivity and his deep caring for people. Even though he would not be considered a handsome man, I love how he looks. There's something about his mouth and the look in his eyes that just fills me with love. And I love the passion he has about both his work and his hobbies. I love his playfulness. We laugh a lot together. " How Laughter Can Save Your Marriage

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"How is this different than what you loved about Adam or Mark?"

"I think that with both Adam and Mark I was pretty much blown away by their looks...they were both hunks. Both of them were also very successful and very social. They took me to nice places and great vacations. Jim is not as financially successful nor as social, yet I feel much safer with him. I think I also fell in love with Adam's power in the world. He seemed to have it together and his sense of power turned me on. But he wasn't always nice to people, and he wasn't always nice to me." Will Your Next Marriage Be Better?