Get Over Fights Like A Grown-Up

By

Get Over Fights Like A Grown-Up
If you and your partner dwell on your fights, you may need to learn the right way to get over them!

Most couples fight at times. Unless they fight unfairly—hitting below the belt and saying very hurtful things or becoming physically abusive—this is generally not a problem.

Couples who engage in verbal or physical abuse need to either get help on both an individual and relationship level or leave the relationship. Ongoing verbal and physical abuse takes a huge toll on everyone.

This article is not about abusive fights—it's about the regular run-of-the mill fights in which each person gets angry and gripes at their partner. Often, the issue that they are upset about doesn't even have much importance. In fact, the next day, they often can't even remember what they were fighting about! One partner may have been triggered into irritation, which triggered their partner, leading to a fight that the two can't remember a reason for. Often the underlying issue is about control—one wanting to control the other and the other not wanting to be controlled. While the presenting issue may be about time or money or parenting or sex or chores or messiness, the underlying issue of control may still ultimately be at fault.

This article is not about the fight itself, either. It's about how you get over fights and back into loving connection with your partner.

What do you do after a fight?

• Do you shut down, withdrawing your love to punish your partner?
• Do you sulk and act miserable?
• Do you keep sniping at your partner, letting him or her know you are still angry?
• Do you insist on an apology?
• Do you keep trying to get your partner to understand your point of view?
• Do you try to 'process' with your partner to get them to take responsibility for their end of the fight?
• Do you continue to blame your partner for your feelings?

If you do any of these things, then you are continuing to try to control your partner, using various manipulations to get him her to change.

Reconnecting After a Fight

None of the above choices will lead to loving reconnection. Loving reconnection occurs when you:

• Do your own inner work after the fight to see what triggered you and how you would rather have handled the situation.
• Stay disengaged until you are able to open your heart to your partner.
• Let go of the insistence that your partner must apologize or own their end of the conflict.
• Stop trying to 'process' the conflict until the two of you are open to learning with yourselves and with each other. Even then, the processing needs to be about yourself, rather than about your partner.
• When your partner shares his or her learning, accept it with compassion and caring.
• When you realize that the issue you were fighting over is not important, decide to just let the whole thing go and reach out with warmth.

It might seem contrary to creating a loving relationship to just let it go, but actually this is often what creates the reconnection necessary to be able to talk about it lovingly at another time.

"But," you might be thinking, "is it loving to myself to just let it go? Aren't I allowing my partner to treat me badly by letting it go?"

The truth is that you have no control over whether your partner treats you badly. If your partner is treating you badly, the best thing you can do is learn how to take loving care of yourself in the face of the negative treatment, rather than trying to get your partner to change. People often treat us the way we treat ourselves; rather than focusing on how your partner is treating you, why not focus on how you are treating yourself?

When you focus on being loving to yourself, not taking the things your partner says in anger personally, and not trying to control or change your partner, you will find that it is easy to get over fights and lovingly reconnect. Moving into compassion for your feelings and allowing them to move through you will let you keep your heart open and reconnect with your partner, when he or she is also open.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her new 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships" or her 30-Day at-home Relationships Course: "Loving Relationships: A 30-Day at-Home Experience with Dr. Margaret Paul (For people who are partnered and people who want to be partnered)."

To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox"—the first two weeks are free! Discover SelfQuest®, a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution computer program.

Phone or Skype sessions with Dr. Margaret Paul.

Connect with Margaret on Facebook: Inner Bonding, and Facebook: SelfQuest.

This article was originally published at Innerbonding.com. Reprinted with permission.

More Couples Counselor advice on YourTango:

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Forget The Past And The Future — Life Happens Now

By

We'd all love to know the future — to know that everything turns out the way we want it to. Some of us spend a lot of time thinking about the future and doing all we can to control it. Or we get caught up on thinking about the past and how we wish we had done it differently. Yet every moment we think about the past or the future we are not in the ... Read more

Eating Well Means Living Well

By

Over 50 years ago, due to having been a sickly child and adolescent, I became interested in nutrition. After reading the current literature, I changed my entire way of eating. I cut out sugar, refined foods and frozen and packaged foods, as well as anything with pesticides or preservatives. At that time, there were few health food stores that carried organic ... Read more

Is It A Demand Or Request? Ask A Marriage Counselor

By

Are you confused about the difference between making a demand and making a request? It's easy to be confused about this. Tina asks, "Margaret, what's the difference between a demand and asking for what you need in a relationship?" Demands Asking for what you want and need in a relationship is important, but it becomes a demand when the ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Most Popular