Are you afraid of being left in your relationships? Discover what underlies this fear.
Jessica asks, "Many times when I ask my inner child what false beliefs I have been telling her that scares her she says, 'It is that anyone I love leaves me or I didn't behave properly and they left me.' Is there a new truth that I can replace the false belief with?"
Whenever we have a fear about others leaving us, we need to turn it around and ask, "How am I leaving myself? How am I abandoning myself?" In the above question, one way Jessica is abandoning herself is she tells herself that she "didn't behave properly."
There is much in the above statement that is false:
- When she states that she didn't "behave properly," I hear her telling her inner child that she should not be herself. That instead she should conform to some external standard of behavior to be okay or lovable. It would be important for her to define "behave properly" to see if this behavior is actually something she values.
- I hear her telling her inner child that if only she could behave properly, then she could have control over how others feel and behave.
- In telling her inner child that everyone she loves leaves her, she is essentially telling herself that she is not lovable.
- In making it about whether others leave, rather than about her own self-abandonment, she is telling her inner child that she is a victim of others' choices.
We all have many false beliefs that have been programmed into us and that our wounded self spouts as if they are true. The very act of allowing the wounded self to say these things to her inner child is an act of self-abandonment. The fear felt by her inner child indicates this: that she is operating from her wounded self. Imagine saying these things to an actual little girl: "Everyone you love will leave you and it will always be your fault because you didn't behave properly." Obviously, a loving parent would never say these things to a child!
New truth comes from our Spiritual Guidance when we open to learning about love and truth. If Jessica asked her Guidance for truth, perhaps this is what her Guidance might say:
"My darling little one, others treat you the way you treat yourself, so as long as you continue to abandon yourself, it is likely that others will leave you as well. Your own self-abandonment pushes others away—just as theirs pushes you away. As you practice Inner Bonding and learn to love and value your incredibly beautiful essence, and accept the sacred privilege of lovingly caring for your wonderful inner child, then you will attract people to you who also value who you truly are. It's not a matter of behaving properly, but of behaving authentically—being truly yourself. You are wonderful and lovable just as you are in your essence.
"The truth that everyone needs to accept is that no one likes anyone else's ego wounded self, so as long as you allow this part of you to be in charge, you will be abandoning yourself and others will continue to leave. It's not you loving them that causes them to leave, it's you not loving yourself that causes them to leave. It is your job to compassionately embrace your wounded self and heal your fears and false beliefs, so that you can be your true authentic essence."
False beliefs heal as we not only tell our inner child the truth, but also treat ourselves lovingly based on the truth.
To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox"—the first two weeks are free! ! Discover SelfQuest®, a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution computer program. Phone or Skype sessions with Dr. Margaret Paul. Connect with Margaret on Facebook: Inner Bonding, and Facebook: SelfQuest.
More love advice on YourTango:
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This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission from the author.