I don't pretend to understand all the factors that create connection between two people. All I know is that all of us have the experience of connection with another that occurs deeply and rapidly, as well as the experience of a lack of connection. Many people have had the experience of being fixed up with someone because a friend said, "I just know you two will like each other. You are so similar," only to discover a complete lack of connection. Katie, a client of mine, recently said to me, "Everyone said Rick is perfect for me. We look good together, we have similar interests and backgrounds, we are the same religion, we are equally educated, and he is a really sweet guy. I kept thinking that if I just gave it time, I would feel the connection. But it never happened. I felt so badly breaking up with him because there is nothing wrong with him, but the connection just isn't there."
Is it anyone's fault that the chemistry or connection isn't there? Of course not! There is nothing wrong with either Katie nor Rick. The connection just isn't there for Katie. She can't force it to be there. She ended up saying to Rick, "You are a really terrific guy. I wish I felt the connection with you that I want to have with a partner, but I don't. It's not your fault - it's just not there." 3 Ways To Open The Door To A New Relationship
More from YourTango: The Recipe For Intimacy: Revealing And Accepting
Whether or not Rick felt hurt by this is really up to him. Katie can't take responsibility for how he feels. If Rick has the belief system that not everyone will feel connected with everyone, he will not feel hurt. If he has the belief system that if a woman doesn't connect with him, there is something wrong with him, he will feel hurt. His hurt will come from his belief system, not from the fact that Katie broke up with him.
Ending a relationship gracefully means speaking our truth without blame or judgment and not taking responsibility for another's feelings. Randi, another one of my clients, recently told me that she would rather tell the truth than give herself up to avoid hurting someone. A friend had introduced her to Barb, thinking that Randi and Barb had a lot in common and could be good friends. Randi got together with Barb and felt no connection. In fact, she felt the opposite. While Randi felt that Barb was a sweet person, she also felt Barb's energy pulling on her in various ways. While some people might not mind needy energy, or even find it endearing, Randi didn't like it at all. She was pleased with herself because she was able to tell Barb that she just didn't feel a connection with her. Randi was able to let go of taking responsibility for Barb's feelings if Barb felt hurt by this.
Is there always a way of breaking up or saying no to a relationship without someone getting hurt? No. But by gently speaking your truth, you can gracefully end a relationship, and if you accept that another's feelings come from his or her belief system, then you won't feel guilty if the other person's feelings are hurt. Take 3 Simple Steps To Find Love Now!
To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week eCourse, “The Intimate Relationship Toolbox” – the first two weeks are free!
More from YourTango: The Fine Line Between Love and Care-Taking
Connect with Margaret on Facebook.