Do You Or Your Partner Point Out Each Other's Flaws?

By

Do You Or Your Partner Point Out Each Other's Flaws?
Do you believe that pointing out your partner's flaws is helpful to your relationship? Not true!

Some people believe that it is caring to point out their partner's flaws — that it will help to make that person a better person. But the intent behind pointing out flaws is not loving — it is controlling.

Pointing Out Flaws

 

By pointing out flaws, you hope that your partner will let go of the things that you don't like and become more the person you want him or her to be. Now, be honest with yourself — is it working?

Your partner might have one of two major responses to your judgments.

  1. He or she might try very hard to become what you want them to be, thereby losing themselves. You might find that the more your partner tries to comply with your wishes, the less attractive he or she becomes to you. People who give themselves up are generally seen as doormats — not as personally powerful and attractive people. So, while your partner might try to change to be what you think you want him or her to be, you might find yourself losing interest.
     
  2. Your partner might be a person who hates being controlled — hates being told what to do and how to be. When this is the case, he or she might shut down to you, resisting being controlled by you.

Since neither of these foster close, loving, intimate relationships — ask yourself again: Is it working?

Having Your Flaws Pointed Out

Are you with a partner who is always pointing out what he or she thinks is "wrong" with you? How do you respond to this? Are you the compliant type or the resistant type? How is this affecting you and your relationship?

Neither compliance nor resistance is loving to yourself. In both of these responses, you are abandoning yourself. It is often clear that giving yourself up is a form of self-abandonment. It is actually a form of control, the hope being that if you form yourself into who you think your partner wants you to be, he or she will love you. Now, honestly, is it working?

It may be harder to see that resistance is also a form of self-abandonment. Instead of being who you are and doing what you want to do, you are reactive to your partner, resisting being controlled by him or her. It is actually another form of giving yourself up because you are not doing what you want to do but instead just resisting what the other person wants. Again, be honest with yourself — it is working to create a loving relationship? Is it working to create a sense of personal self-worth?

Taking Loving Care of Yourself

This unloving relationship system can change! As the one who judges, you need to learn to take your eyes off trying to change your partner and put them on yourself — on how to take loving care of yourself regardless of what your partner is doing. You need to accept that trying to control your partner by pointing out flaws only creates a lack of intimacy.

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? To begin to learn Inner Bonding, take our FREE Inner Bonding course. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

I Love Him, But He Doesn't Turn Me On

By

Erin married Dylan because he was the first man who expressed his love for her and was really nice to her. She was not sexually turned on be him, but she figured that this would come in time. Now, 15 years later, sex is a huge problem in their relationship. Erin sought me for counseling due to this issue. "I love Dylan. He is my best friend. I ... Read more

You Can't Control Others (Bummer), But You CAN Influence Them!

By

"Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing." - Albert Schweitzer You might not want to know this truth, but we have no control over others' intent, choices and how they feel about us. However, while we have no control, we can influence others. Our loving and our unloving behavior can have a huge influence on ... Read more

Do You See People For How They Are, Or How You Want Them To Be?

By

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." —Anais Nin A variation on the above quote might be, "We don't see people as they are — we see them as we want them to be." I see this over and over with my clients. For example, Jason met a beautiful woman and became infatuated with her. "Pamela is ... Read more

See More

 
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Most Popular