Do You Love As A Form Of Control?

By

Do You Love As A Form Of Control?
Our ego wounded self can be very tricky when it comes to love!

"It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble, how hopeless the outlook, how muddled the tangle, how great the mistake. A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all...If you could only love enough, you could be the happiest and most powerful person in the world..." ~Emmet Fox

This quote by Emmet Fox is hanging on our wall, and it always moves me. However, there is twist here that it vitally important: If you love in order to be powerful, then what you are doing isn't loving.

Here is where the trickiness of our ego wounded self comes into play. The wounded self is about a particular kind of power—the power to control others and outcomes. When the wounded self sees that "If you could only love enough, you could be the most powerful person in the world," then it wants to act loving in order to be powerful. But once love gets attached to an outcome, then it is no longer love—it is control.

The huge challenge in life is to love for the sake of love and not get attached to outcomes. The wounded self says that:

  • If I love enough then I will get love
  • If I love enough then I will find the relationship of my dreams
  • If I love enough then I will be powerful enough to get rich
  • If I love enough then I will feel full and happy inside

Here is the trickiness of this: These statements are often true, but if you try to love enough in order to get these outcomes, then whatever you are doing that you think is love isn't love!

Our behavior is loving only when we are loving for the sake of loving, not for any expected outcome. If we are behaving in what we think is a loving way, but we have an outcome attached, then even though our behavior may look loving, it isn't, because that which is love has no agenda. It is unconditional—meaning there are no expectations attached to it and no conditions under which it goes away.

We are truly loving when we are living in this present moment, allowing the love that is God to be expressed through us without any agenda other than for the sake of our soul's journey on the planet—which is to evolve in our ability to love.

Loving Yourself First

We cannot unconditionally love others until we are unconditionally loving with ourselves, which means being very kind and compassionate with ourselves.

In the light of this, there are a couple of other quotes from Emmet Fox that are relevant:

"You must not allow yourself to dwell for a single moment on any kind of negative thought."

"You must not under any pretense allow your mind to dwell on any thought that is not positive, constructive, optimistic, kind."

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Are You Addicted To Love?

By

Have you ever felt confused about whether your feelings in a relationship were coming from a healthy place or from a wounded place? This is Mari's concern: "How would you describe the difference between obsession/addiction and devotion? When you are deeply in love and moved to be emotionally and physically intimate with someone, how can you tell ... Read more

How Do YOU Feel About That? Avoiding Projection In Relationships

By

"I think I'm an open person, but Sarah keeps telling me how closed I am. She gets furious when she wants to talk about our relationship and I don't." Matthew, in his late 20s and married to Sarah for 2 years, had consulted me due to relationship problems and was feeling a lot of confusion about their relationship system. "There ... Read more

Get Over Fights Like A Grown-Up

By

Most couples fight at times. Unless they fight unfairly—hitting below the belt and saying very hurtful things or becoming physically abusive—this is generally not a problem. Couples who engage in verbal or physical abuse need to either get help on both an individual and relationship level or leave the relationship. Ongoing verbal and physical ... Read more

See More

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.