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Do You Love As A Form Of Control?

Buzz, Heartbreak

Our ego wounded self can be very tricky when it comes to love!

"It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble, how hopeless the outlook, how muddled the tangle, how great the mistake. A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all...If you could only love enough, you could be the happiest and most powerful person in the world..." ~Emmet Fox

This quote by Emmet Fox is hanging on our wall, and it always moves me. However, there is twist here that it vitally important: If you love in order to be powerful, then what you are doing isn't loving.

Here is where the trickiness of our ego wounded self comes into play. The wounded self is about a particular kind of power—the power to control others and outcomes. When the wounded self sees that "If you could only love enough, you could be the most powerful person in the world," then it wants to act loving in order to be powerful. But once love gets attached to an outcome, then it is no longer love—it is control.

The huge challenge in life is to love for the sake of love and not get attached to outcomes. The wounded self says that:

  • If I love enough then I will get love
  • If I love enough then I will find the relationship of my dreams
  • If I love enough then I will be powerful enough to get rich
  • If I love enough then I will feel full and happy inside

Here is the trickiness of this: These statements are often true, but if you try to love enough in order to get these outcomes, then whatever you are doing that you think is love isn't love!

Our behavior is loving only when we are loving for the sake of loving, not for any expected outcome. If we are behaving in what we think is a loving way, but we have an outcome attached, then even though our behavior may look loving, it isn't, because that which is love has no agenda. It is unconditional—meaning there are no expectations attached to it and no conditions under which it goes away.

We are truly loving when we are living in this present moment, allowing the love that is God to be expressed through us without any agenda other than for the sake of our soul's journey on the planet—which is to evolve in our ability to love.

Loving Yourself First

We cannot unconditionally love others until we are unconditionally loving with ourselves, which means being very kind and compassionate with ourselves.

In the light of this, there are a couple of other quotes from Emmet Fox that are relevant:

"You must not allow yourself to dwell for a single moment on any kind of negative thought."

"You must not under any pretense allow your mind to dwell on any thought that is not positive, constructive, optimistic, kind."

Is it kind to yourself to allow yourself to dwell for a single moment on thoughts that scare you, that make you feel anxious, depressed, angry, jealous, shamed or guilty? You will not be able to be an instrument of love on the planet and fulfill your soul's journey until you start with loving yourself.

If you practice staying in Step One of Inner Bonding—being present in your body, willing to feel your feelings and take loving responsibility for them, then the moment you feel anything other than peace inside you can immediately notice your unloving thought and change it to a true, kind thought - not to manifest anything but only for the sake of evolving in love.

Learning to be loving to yourself rather than abandon yourself with negativity, judgments, addictions or making others responsible for your feelings, is the path to loving others for the sake of love—without any agenda. It is only when you are loving yourself that you don't need love from others and can then unconditionally share your love.

When you detach "love" from outcomes, then the outcome is joy!

To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" – the first two weeks are free!

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This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission from the author.


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