Do You Know The Difference Between Caring & Care Taking?

By

Do You Know The Difference Between Caring & Care Taking?
Do you tell yourself you are being caring when you are fixing? Discover the big difference!

Caring = giving to another from love, for the joy of it - as a free gift
Caretaking = giving to get love, giving with an agenda attached, giving yourself up

If you tune in to how you feel when someone is truly caring about you or trying to fix you, you will begin to understand the vast difference in the energy.

While the actions of caring and caretaking might look the same, because the intention is totally different, the energy is also completely different.

Sandy is a caretaker. She is constantly doing things for others - sometimes because they ask her to and other times because she believes that is what they want and expect. The problem is that Sandy often abandons herself to give to others, and then expects others to give back to her and fill the emptiness within her caused by her self-abandonment. She ignores her own feelings and uses giving to others as an addiction to avoid responsibility for herself. She uses her caretaking as a form of control to try to get others to like and value her, rather than learning to like and value herself. 

While others may like what Sandy gives to them, they rarely give back to her in the way she hopes for, so Sandy generally ends up feeling invisible, unappreciated, disappointed and drained, and often angry as well.

Sometimes the energy of Sandy's giving often doesn’t feel good to others, as they feel pulled on and obligated to give back.

Monica, on the other hand, has learned through her Inner Bonding process to connect with her personal source of spiritual Guidance, which enables her to define her own worth so that she isn't needy of others' attention and approval. She knows how to fill herself with love and to take 100% responsibility for her own feelings. Before giving to others, she checks in with herself to see if this is something she really wants to do, so when she gives, it is for the joy of it. Her caring is a free gift — there are no strings attached, no agendas. She has no expectations about how the other person ‘should’ respond.

The energy of Monica's giving feels wonderful — a breath of fresh air that warms the heart and fills the soul.

While Sandy and Monica may do exactly the same thing — for example cook a lovely meal for their partner — the energy of it is totally different because the intent is totally different.

When a husband gives his wife flowers to get something — approval, sex, attention — his wife can feel the strings attached and would have rather not received the flowers. She may give him a half-smile, but inside she may be feeling shut down or resistant, since she feels the flowers are a form of control. There is no love in the act of giving flowers when the intent is to get something.

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

If You're Always Getting Overlooked, You May Be To Blame

By

It feels terrible to be constantly overlooked. This is the situation that Melanie is struggling with: "Even when I think I am fitting in to a group and talking to everybody okay, I always seem to be overlooked when it comes to invitations etc. and then I feel completely invisible, as if they either don't remember that I exist or they are ... Read more

Do You Remember What You Say When You Are Enraged?

By

"Rage can…shut off the hippocampus [linked to memory], and people with out-of-control anger may not be lying when they say they don't recall what they said or did in that altered state of mind." Mindsight, P.155 Daniel Siegel, M.D. Have you had the experience of someone being enraged at you, and then when you try to talk about it after ... Read more

You Have To Love Yourself Before You Can Love Another

By

Antonio consulted with me because of problems he was having in his marriage. He was very distressed that his wife, Cynthia, never wanted to have sex with him. In the course of our work, it became apparent that Antonio was very judgmental of himself. Throughout a day he was constantly telling himself how inadequate he was. "You certainly messed that ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS