Dating: Why Are People Rejecting Me?

By

Dating: Why Are People Rejecting Me?
Do you want a partner yet you keep running into rejection over and over again?

Aidan decided to consult with me because he wanted to get married and have a family. A handsome man in his mid-30s, it was certainly not obvious at first glance why he could not find a partner.

However, it didn't take me long to understand why relationships were not working for Aidan. Being with Aidan felt like being alone. He was so not present as to practically be invisible.

 

"Aidan," I asked, "What are you feeling right now?"

"I don't know."

"Aidan, please move your focus out of your head and focus inside your body. Breathe into your body. Notice any sensations in your body."

Aidan breathed. A few moments later he told me that he felt nervous.

"Aidan, imagine that the nervousness is a child inside you—your feeling self. I'd like you to notice what you are telling this child that is causing him to feel nervous."

"I'm telling him that he has to say the right thing so that you will like me."

"So when you tell yourself that you have to perform right in order to get my approval, you end up feeling nervous. What are you telling yourself about why it is so important to get my approval?"

"I guess I'm telling myself that if you like me and approve of me, I'm okay."

"Aidan, I'd like you to imagine that your inner child—your feeling self—is an actual child. Imagine that you have a little boy who is just like you were as a child. How would this little boy feel if you kept telling him that others had to like him for him to be okay? How would he feel if you kept handing him away to someone else for acceptance and approval?"

"I think he would feel rejected and abandoned by me. I think he would not feel very good about himself if I kept rejecting him."

"Yes, and that is exactly what is happening on the inner level. You are handing away your inner child for others to define as okay. But the very act of handing him away is causing low-self esteem. And how attractive do you think a woman finds you when you are approaching her from this neediness—this need for her to approve of you for you to feel okay?"

"Well, obviously, women don't find this attractive. But I didn't know I was doing this, and I don't know what to do about it."

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Trusting Others Starts With Trusting Yourself

By

"I have a hard time trusting people." "I never feel like I can trust my husband (or wife)." It is very common for me in my work as a counselor to hear the above statements. Trust issues abound in relationships. However, resolving trust issues is not about getting another person to be trustworthy. It's about you become a ... Read more

How To Become Free

By

I used to think that to become free you had to practice like a samurai warrior, but now I understand that you have to practice like a devoted mother of a newborn child. It takes the same energy but has a completely different quality. It's compassion and presence rather than having to defeat the enemy in battle. ~Jack Kornfield, "The ... Read more

Is He Pushing Your Buttons? 5 Ways To Walk Away Without A Fight

By

We all have many addictive ways of avoiding feeling our painful feelings and taking responsibility for them, especially in a long-term relationship or marriage. Some ways are obvious, such as substance abuse, but some ways can be very subtle, such as picking a fight with your partner under the guise of effective communication. Take a look. Do you see your ... Read more

See More

 
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular