Boundaries: From Fear or Love?

By

Boundaries: From Fear or Love?
Boundaries are important, but when they come from fear, they are controlling rather than loving.

We know that one very important aspect of taking loving care of ourselves is to set loving boundaries for ourselves. Whether or not a boundary is loving depends upon which aspect of you is setting the boundary — your ego wounded self or your loving Adult.

The intent of the wounded self in setting a boundary is to have control over not being controlled or rejected by another. The ego wounded self comes from the fear of being invaded, rejected, engulfed, abandoned, seen as wrong, bad or unworthy, and projects these possibilities from the past onto the present moment. Instead of discerning what is actually happening in the moment, the wounded self protects ahead of time, just in case someone may be invading or rejecting. The wounded self enters an interaction already defended against his or her fears.

The intent of the loving adult self in setting a boundary is to take loving care of oneself in the moment. The loving adult discerns whether another is open or closed, loving or unloving. As a loving adult, you are compassionately aware of your feelings in the moment (Step One of Inner Bonding ). If there is anything other than peace within, the loving adult immediately moves into an intent to learn (Step Two of Inner Bonding) to determine what you are   reacting to (Step Three) and how to handle it lovingly (Step Four). The loving adult then sets the boundary (Step Five) to take care of yourself. Sometimes the boundary can be set softly, along with an intent to learn with the other: "I don't like being spoken to with this anger (or defensiveness, etc.). Do you want to talk about what is upsetting you?" Other times, when you already know the other will not open, the boundary needs to be set firmly and acted upon immediately, saying something like "This doesn't feel good. Let's talk when you feel open," while disengaging from the conversation.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

If You're Always Getting Overlooked, You May Be To Blame

By

It feels terrible to be constantly overlooked. This is the situation that Melanie is struggling with: "Even when I think I am fitting in to a group and talking to everybody okay, I always seem to be overlooked when it comes to invitations etc. and then I feel completely invisible, as if they either don't remember that I exist or they are ... Read more

Do You Remember What You Say When You Are Enraged?

By

"Rage can…shut off the hippocampus [linked to memory], and people with out-of-control anger may not be lying when they say they don't recall what they said or did in that altered state of mind." Mindsight, P.155 Daniel Siegel, M.D. Have you had the experience of someone being enraged at you, and then when you try to talk about it after ... Read more

You Have To Love Yourself Before You Can Love Another

By

Antonio consulted with me because of problems he was having in his marriage. He was very distressed that his wife, Cynthia, never wanted to have sex with him. In the course of our work, it became apparent that Antonio was very judgmental of himself. Throughout a day he was constantly telling himself how inadequate he was. "You certainly messed that ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Most Popular