Boundaries: From Fear or Love?

By

Boundaries: From Fear or Love?
Boundaries are important, but when they come from fear, they are controlling rather than loving.

We know that one very important aspect of taking loving care of ourselves is to set loving boundaries for ourselves. Whether or not a boundary is loving depends upon which aspect of you is setting the boundary — your ego wounded self or your loving Adult.

The intent of the wounded self in setting a boundary is to have control over not being controlled or rejected by another. The ego wounded self comes from the fear of being invaded, rejected, engulfed, abandoned, seen as wrong, bad or unworthy, and projects these possibilities from the past onto the present moment. Instead of discerning what is actually happening in the moment, the wounded self protects ahead of time, just in case someone may be invading or rejecting. The wounded self enters an interaction already defended against his or her fears.

The intent of the loving adult self in setting a boundary is to take loving care of oneself in the moment. The loving adult discerns whether another is open or closed, loving or unloving. As a loving adult, you are compassionately aware of your feelings in the moment (Step One of Inner Bonding ). If there is anything other than peace within, the loving adult immediately moves into an intent to learn (Step Two of Inner Bonding) to determine what you are   reacting to (Step Three) and how to handle it lovingly (Step Four). The loving adult then sets the boundary (Step Five) to take care of yourself. Sometimes the boundary can be set softly, along with an intent to learn with the other: "I don't like being spoken to with this anger (or defensiveness, etc.). Do you want to talk about what is upsetting you?" Other times, when you already know the other will not open, the boundary needs to be set firmly and acted upon immediately, saying something like "This doesn't feel good. Let's talk when you feel open," while disengaging from the conversation.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

3 Types Of Hugs And How They Affect You

By

There are hugs — and then there are hugs. In other words, there are genuine loving and giving hugs, and there are needy hugs and inappropriately sexual hugs. There is a world of difference between these. While I knew this as a child — as most children do — I didn't have words for the difference. I just knew that I loved hugging and being ... Read more

Do You Listen?

By

Renowned singer Alanis Morrissette, who is a big proponent of Inner Bonding and a good friend of mine, gave a keynote talk at the 'Emerging Women' conference in Boulder, Colorado in 2013. She invited me to attend and I was delighted to hear her speak. Instead of giving a monologue, she had a dialogue with Tami Simon, the CEO of Sounds True, who ... Read more

Are You Secretly Controlling?

By

Most of us have learned some controlling behaviors that are not overtly obvious. For example, Sonia asked in one of my free webinars, "How can I help a man to share his fears of commitment with me without sounding like I am pressuring him?" If I were working with Sonia, I would ask her to explore these questions: "Why do you want him to ... Read more

See More

GET MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS IN YOUR INBOX!

Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Stories we love
FROM AROUND THE WEB