50 Things You Should Try For Hotter Sex
ProConnect

Are You Willing For People To Be Mad At You?

By

Are You Willing For People To Be Mad At You?
Do you give yourself up to avoid conflict? This may be leading to relationship failure.

As a counselor, I often work with people who are unhappy in their relationship and thinking of leaving. They believe that they are unhappy because of their partner, but the real reason is that they are not taking responsibility for their own feelings within the relationship.

For example, when Lila started to work with me, she was convinced that it was her husband's lack of help around the house, his anger, and his unwillingness to communicate with her that was causing her unhappiness. Yet it soon because apparent to me that her unhappiness was being caused by giving herself up and care-taking her husband and others to avoid conflict.

More from YourTango: "I Keep Choosing The Wrong Partner"

"Lila, you constantly give yourself up and do what others want you to do - not just with Seth, but with your children and with people at work. There must be a good reason that you do this, even though it is making you feel resentful and trapped. Why do you think you are doing this?"

"I just don't like to fight. I don't like conflict. I don't like arguing. I don't like for people to be upset with me.

"When people are angry or upset with you, what are you telling yourself that make this so hard for you?"

"I'm telling myself that I did something wrong or they wouldn't be upset."

"So you are taking responsibility for their feelings and behavior instead of your own. You are telling yourself that you are CAUSING their upset, rather than that their upset is coming from what they are telling themselves about your behavior. It sounds like you want to believe that you cause — and therefore control — their feelings and behavior, and you also want to believe that they are causing yours."

"If I don't do what they want and they get upset, aren't I causing their upset?"

"No. If you don't do what your husband wants and he gets upset, he might be telling himself something like, "Lila doesn't care about me." It is this thought that is upsetting him. But is this true? When you don't do what he wants, is it because you don't care about him?"

More from YourTango: "I Lose Myself Around Others"

"No, not at all. Usually it is something that he can do for himself and I want to do something else with that time."

"So his upset is coming from what he is telling himself rather than from you having done something wrong. But he will continue to get angry and blame you as long as it works for him to get you to do what he wants. The way out of this dysfunctional system is for you to be willing to have him be angry with you. You might want to practice saying to yourself, 'I'm willing for others to be upset with me. I don't cause their upset. I haven't done anything wrong.' When you are willing for others to be upset with you and you know you are not the cause of their feelings, then you are free to take responsibility for your own feelings. You are free to be kind and loving to yourself and them, instead of giving yourself up and caretaking them." 

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

"I Keep Choosing The Wrong Partner"

By

Do you find yourself choosing a similar wrong partner over and over? This is what Laura asks about: "How can I get past the point of choosing destructive and abusive relationships over and over just because I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional family? Is it better to just remain single and grow with God and be a good mom and not gravitate toward ... Read more

"I Lose Myself Around Others"

By

Do you find that you take loving care of yourself when you are alone, but that you lose yourself with someone you are attracted to, or around someone you want to connect with? This is a common issue. Val asks: "I am perfectly able to care, love and connect to myself when I am alone. It's in the face of attraction to someone that I get lost ... Read more

How Far Am I In The Narcissism World?

By

All of us have some characteristics and behaviors that fall into the category of narcissism. Narcissism is on a continuum from mild, occasional, and subtle to the more ubiquitous, obvious or extreme behaviors of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Since narcissism is likely a part of everyone's ego wounded self, it is helpful to your personal growth and ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
Staying Dry

Letting Go Is Hard To Do

Healing your heart after divorce or loss of a spouse is worth the effort. Letting go is hard to do.

cozy up

Showing Love Through Touch

Touch is so incredibly important in relationships.

happiest

Listen Up, Darling: A Sex Kitten Is Never Hangry or Tired

Recently I shared eight surprising traits of a sex kitten. Each of those traits are ones that ...

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS