Douglas, 34, another client of mine, has the exact same problem. When he is in a relationship, he is a nice guy; he tends to try to please his partner because, in his mind, taking care of himself and doing the things he wants to do is selfish. Yet, in giving himself up to his partner, he ends up resenting her and ending the relationship. Like Susan, he is operating under the false belief that he has to give up his personal freedom to be in a loving relationship.
Both Susan and Douglas have a major false belief that is causing their fear of commitment: that loving another person means doing what that person wants instead of staying true to themselves and taking loving care of themselves. They both have a false definition of selfish because they think it's selfish if they take care of themselves instead of taking care their partners.
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Ioffered them this definition of selfish: selfishness is when you expect someone else to give themselves up for you, to not do what they want to do and instead do what you want them to do. Selfishness is when you do not consider others or support others in taking loving care of themselves and instead expect them to take care of you.
Giving yourself up is a form of control. You want to control how the other person feels about you by doing what they want you to do. When you do what another person wants you to do from love and caring, with no agenda to get their approval, you feel wonderful. But when you give yourself up from fear of your partner's anger or withdrawal, you will feel trapped and resentful. To be in a committed relationship, your first commitment needs to be to yourself.
Learning to take loving care of yourself, through a consistent Inner Bonding practice, is the key to healing a fear of commitment. When you are taking loving care of yourself, you will be filled with love and you will have much love to share with your partner! 5 Ways We Sabotage Our Relationships
To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" – the first two weeks are free!
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