Are you Takers or Caretakers

By

Are you Takers or Caretakers
Most people fall on one side or the other of the codependent system. Which side are you on?

When we are coming from our ego wounded self, we tend to be either a taker or a caretaker in relationships. While we can go back and forth between these two sides of the codependent system, most of us tend to be more one than the other.

We are being takers when we expect others to give themselves up for us to make us happy, fill our emptiness, validate us, pay attention to us, approve of us and take responsibility for our pain. When we are being a taker, handing responsibility for our feelings to another person. Sometimes takers appear to be giving, but along with the giving they are expecting the other person to take responsibility for their pain and joy.

 

We are being caretakers when we ignore our own feelings and instead take responsibility for another's pain and joy. Instead of taking responsibility for our own wellbeing, we ignore our own feelings and instead take care of the others feelings. Caretakers believe that if they are loving enough to the other person, the other person will be loving to him or her. Caretakers have a hard time spotting takers. They tend to think that others are like them and are often shocked and hurt when this is not true.

Takers and caretakers have a way of finding each other. Takers easily spot other takers and often don't like them. They like caretakers. Caretakers often enjoy other caretakers, but since takers are often charismatic people and pursue caretakers, the chemistry between takers and caretakers can be more intense than between two caretakers.

Takers and caretakers are two sides of the same coin — both are abandoning themselves. Neither is taking loving care of themselves around others. Caretakers generally take care of themselves when they are alone, but abandon themselves when with others who are takers. Takers abandon themselves both when alone and with others. They often have a hard time being alone, and may fill up with work, TV, food and other substance or process addictions when alone.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Trusting Others Starts With Trusting Yourself

By

"I have a hard time trusting people.""I never feel like I can trust my husband (or wife)." It is very common for me in my work as a counselor to hear the above statements. Trust issues abound in relationships. However, resolving trust issues is not about getting another person to be trustworthy. It's about you become a trustworthy ... Read more

How To Become Free

By

I used to think that to become free you had to practice like a samurai warrior, but now I understand that you have to practice like a devoted mother of a newborn child. It takes the same energy but has a completely different quality. It's compassion and presence rather than having to defeat the enemy in battle. ~Jack Kornfield, "The ... Read more

Are You Sometimes Angry And You Don't Know Why?

By

Gretta is very devoted to her spiritual path. It is extremely important to her to move through her life as a loving and compassionate person. She has a big heart and is always doing nice things for other people. It was, therefore, deeply upsetting to her when she would find herself suddenly irritated, angry or blaming toward someone. Yet as hard as she tried to ... Read more

See More

 
PARTNER POSTS
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular