Are You A Squid Or With a Squid?

By

Do you suck the life out of others, or do you allow others to suck the life out of you?

“Squid is my word for people who seem to be missing their backbones but possess myriad sucking tentacles of emotional need.” —Martha Beck

Another phrase for ‘squid’ is ‘energy vampire.’

 

When your intent is to get love, rather than to be loving to yourself and share your love with others, you are a ‘squid.’ When you are not in the moment-by-moment process of learning what is loving to yourself, and taking loving action for yourself, then you are in the process of creating an empty hole within. This empty hole needs love, and you will try to get it from others in any way you can.

Others might not be fully conscious of the energy pull from you, but they will generally back off nevertheless — as your pull unconsciously feels yucky to them. Of course, you might find someone who is such a caretaker that they stay and let themselves be drained by you, but you need to know that people who allow themselves to be drained and used have strings attached. They have a huge expectation — expecting you to love them and fill their emptiness as well. Both of you will inevitably be very disappointed.

The whole issue centers around beliefs regarding who is responsible for your feelings, and whether or not you are responsible for another’s feelings. As an adult, you are 100% responsible for causing your wounded feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, anger, jealousy, and so on, and for managing the existential painful feelings of life — such as loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, grief and helplessness over others. When you fully accept this, you will stop either being a squid or caretaking a squid.

Over and over, I see so much suffering because people will not accept responsibility for their own feelings, and will not accept their helplessness over how others treat them or treat themselves, which may be causing their suffering. I see people spending years and years doing everything they can to try to have control over getting love, attention, approval, validation or sex from others, wondering why they never feel happy.

I spent the first 45 years of my life in this very situation. My ‘squid-ness’ was not as obvious as those who are addicted to sex or talking or blaming or complaining. I gave and gave with the secret hope that if I loved enough, I would receive love in return. And sometimes I did, but it was never enough to bring me the solid inner peace, joy, sense of worth and fullness that I sought. And all I knew to do was to try harder to get love. Until Inner Bonding.

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Scream If You're OVER Being Your Partner's Therapist

By

One of the important things I learned in my own marriage and in my work with clients is that a committed relationship is NOT supposed to be a therapeutic relationship. We can help each other to learn, grow and heal, but this is very different than a therapeutic relationship. In a marriage, or close committed relationship or friendship, we can help each ... Read more

The Essential Guide To Romance vs Friendship

By

James, in his mid-30s, was ready to meet his life partner, get married and have children. After dating many women, he met Cindy. "She is really beautiful, although I'm not sure she's my type. But I think she is perfect for me. We have the same interests, the same values, we go to the same church and we both want children. My friends who meet ... Read more

Do You React Well To Irrational Behavior?

By

Ted's mother was often emotionally irrational. She would demand irrational things from him, such as telling him that it was his job to make her happy. She would cry and yell when he did anything for himself, claiming that he was selfish and making her miserable. Often, she would scream at him out of the blue, for seemingly no reason at all. Sometimes she ... Read more

See More

 
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular