Over the many years that I have been working with couples, certain issues have emerged over and over. One of the most common issues for women is: "I am not turned on to my partner. I love him, but I just can't bring myself to make love with him. The thought of it is repelling to me."
Michelle and Michael have been married for 8 years. After the first few months of their marriage, sex has been rare, and non-existent for the last two years. Neither Michelle nor Michael is happy with this situation, yet Michelle cannot bring herself to have sex with Michael.
Susan and Douglas have been married for three years, a second marriage for both. While sex was wonderful when they first met, Susan has become completely sexually unavailable for the last six months.
Heather and David have been married for 6 years and have two children. They fell madly in love 7 years ago and sex at that time was terrific. But now Heather can barely touch David or be touched by him.
What has happened with these couples? The women all say that they love their husbands very much. Yet they do not want sex with them.
There is a common denominator between all these men: Michael, Douglas, and David all live in their heads, not in their hearts. They operate out of their minds rather than their feelings. In fact, all of them are completely out of touch with their feelings. Their focus is external—on getting what they want —rather than internal, focused on taking care of themselves. All these men make their wives responsible for their feelings of adequacy, worth and lovability, while abandoning themselves.
All of these men are "nice guys." All of them are very attentive to their wives—fixing things around the house, catering to their needs, buying them things. Yet none of these men come to their wives in their power. They come empty, needy, hoping for approval and sex to make them feel filled and whole. As a result, all of the things they do for their wives feel manipulative to the women. The women experience a pull as their men attend to them. The hidden agenda is, "If I am nice and I do things for you and listen to you and buy you things, you will love me and have sex with me."
These women love their husbands, but they can't FEEL them. And when they can't feel them they can't connect with them. These women are kind and caring with their husbands, but they can't feel sexually attracted to them as long as the men abandon themselves.
The good news is that it doesn't take very long for the sexual feelings to come back once the needy partner starts to practice Inner Bonding. This was particularly dramatic for Heather, who couldn't stand to be touched by David. Within a few phone sessions, David was diligently practicing Inner Bonding and noticing his feelings for the first time in his adult life. He found himself crying for the first time since he was 14, which is when his beloved sister was killed in a car accident. Overwhelmed by the pain, David had shut down, and had been shut down ever since. Heather's love for him came flooding back as he opened his heart to himself and to her.
Michelle, Susan and Heather also had their own Inner Bonding work to do. All of them had given themselves up in various ways, taking responsibility for their men rather than for themselves. As long as they were giving themselves up in any way to care-take their husbands, they did not feel their own sexual feelings. Each of these women needed to let go of trying to control their husbands with their caretaking, and instead attend to their own feelings and needs.
Relationships change dramatically and quickly when each person takes their eyes off the others person, stops trying to control the other person, practices Inner Bonding, and learns to take emotional responsibility for themselves.
To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" – the first two weeks are free!
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This article was originally published at Inner Bonding
. Reprinted with permission from the author.