Are You or Your Partner Possessive?

By

Are You or Your Partner Possessive?
Are you and your partner operating in a relationship system that is based on possessiveness?

"I freak out when my partner even looks at another woman. I trust him not to wander, so I don't know why this upsets me so much."

"My partner spends too much time with her friends and family. What's the point of being together if she's always gone a couple of nights a week?"

"My wife wants to go back to school now that the children are older. She doesn't need to work, so why does she want to do this? It's going to take up way too much of her time."

"My partner has to go out of town for work a lot. I feel so angry about this. What about me?"

"I love to dance and my partner doesn't, so why does he get so upset when I dance with someone else - even with another woman?"

What's going on here? What is behind this possessiveness?

Possessiveness is the result of self-abandonment. Self-abandonment often creates deep feelings of insecurity. When a person is possessive, it is because they want their partner to fill up the emptiness and take away the feelings of insecurity that come from self-abandonment.

If You Are Possessive...

If you are possessive, do you believe it is your partner's responsibility to make you feel loved and secure? This is a huge false belief, and here's why:

Even if your partner spends all his or her time with you, never looks at another person and is very loving to you, you will still feel insecure and empty inside if you:

  • Ignore your feelings
  • Judge yourself
  • Turn to addictions to self-medicate
  • Make others responsible for your feelings

Imagine that you have a child who you ignore, judge, medicate and try to give away to others. Will this child feel secure? When you abandon yourself, you are abandoning your inner child, which always creates insecurity, no matter how loving your partner is to you. While your partner's love makes you feel better for the moment - just as any addiction works to make you feel better for the moment - it cannot heal the insecurity that is being caused by your own self-abandonment.

If You Are at the Other End of Possessiveness...

  • Do you feel responsible for your partner's insecurity, and believe it is your job to make your partner feel secure?
  • Do you give yourself up and not do what you want to do, out of fear of your partner's reaction?
  • Do you do what you want, but lie about it?

If you do any of these things, you are contributing to your partner's insecurity rather than helping him or her learn to become inwardly secure. Care-taking your partner serves to reinforce your partner's false belief that you are responsible for making him or her feel secure. Enabling your partner in this way perpetuates the problem.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Relationships: The Power of Goodwill

By

Research into good marriages indicates that the most important choice healthy couples make is to have goodwill toward each other. This may seems like a simple requirement, yet many couples have anything but goodwill toward each other. Instead, they make it far more important to: • Attempt to control each other with criticism, judgments, blame, anger, ... Read more

“I Feel Overwhelmed”

By

I often hear from my clients that they feel overwhelmed. Generally, feeling overwhelmed means one of three things: • Overwhelmed by their feelings • Overwhelmed by time pressures • Overwhelmed by how to do things ‘right’ The feeling of overwhelm is generally caused by how we are treating ourselves and what we are telling ... Read more

The Moment of Choice – To Love or React

By

All of us have "triggers" that set off our fear or anxiety and may lead to our reactivity - anger, defensiveness, withdrawal, compliance or resistance. We are especially triggered in our important relationships. Take a moment right now to think about what, in your relationships, triggers you into your fear or anxiety. Are you triggered ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Most Popular