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Are You Nice or Are You Loving?

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Are You Nice or Are You Loving?
Do you know the difference between being nice and being loving?

"Hailey, the key here is to really let her in on your truth with a desire to learn about her rather than control her. For example, you might say, 'Emma, I have a hard time staying connected with you when you complain and tell stories. I find myself feeling bored and my mind wanders. I've mentioned it before, but you keep doing it. There must be some good reasons that it's important to you to do this.' How do you think she would respond if you said this?"

"I think she would be open to it. We could probably get into a really good discussion about it and it would be far more interesting than the story-telling and complaining."

More from YourTango: Relationships: When to Talk, When to Act

"The challenge is that you will need to do this many times, each time she goes on and on. For most people, their behavior is habitual. Emma may be addicted to complaining as a way to get attention and sympathy. She will likely not stop just because you speak up once. You will need to speak up over and over. The only way you will be able to do this is if it is more important to you to be loving to yourself and her than it is to attempt to control how she feels about you by being nice. It is not loving to yourself to allow yourself to continue to feel bored and used, and it is not loving to her to allow her to continue to behave in a way that pushes people away from her. Your honesty and desire to learn is far more loving than your niceness."

"Well, I'm going to try this. It will be a challenge for me. I think I'm addicted to trying to control others with niceness, but I really like the idea of being authentic!"

To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" – the first two weeks are free! ! Discover SelfQuest®, a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution computer program. Phone or Skype sessions with Dr. Margaret Paul.

More from YourTango: Stop Escalating Conflict!


Connect with Margaret on Facebook: Inner Bonding, and Facebook: SelfQuest.

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Dr. Margaret Paul

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Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

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