Do You Practice Enmeshed Parenting?

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Do You Practice Enmeshed Parenting? [EXPERT]
If you identify with one or more of these symptoms, you might be enmeshed with your children.

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you." —Kahlil Gibran

Symptoms of enmeshed parenting:

 

  • Your children's good or difficult behavior and successful or unsuccessful achievements define your worth.
  • Your children are the center of your life—your sole purpose in life.
  • Your focus is on taking care of your children rather than taking care of yourself.
  • Your happiness or pain is determined by your children.
  • You are invasive—you need to know everything about what your children think and do.

If you identify with one or more of these symptoms, you might be enmeshed with your children. 4 Tips To Silence The Mom In Your Head

The consequences of enmeshed parenting on your children:

  • They may grow up feeling responsible for others' feelings while ignoring responsibility for their own. They might feel selfish if they take care of themselves and could become compliant and disconnected from themselves.
  • They may use you as their role model—making others responsible for their feelings, rather than being self-responsible.
  • They may feel invaded and controlled by you and as a result, withdraw, resist, or act out in anger. As adults, they may have a hard time taking responsibility for themselves.
  • They will likely have problems in their adult relationships, both work and personal—being a taker, a caretaker, withdrawn, angry and/or resistant.
  • They might feel lost and empty inside as a result of not learning how to take responsibility for their own feelings.

As a parent, it is vitally important to have a sense of passion and purpose in your life, separate from your children. And, it is essential that you learn to define your own sense of worth, rather than making your children's behavior responsible for this. It is too big a burden for children to be the center of your life. 10 Ways To Teach Your Kids About Healthy Relationships

Enmeshed parenting places too big a pressure on them to act right, perform right, and/or look right, in order for you feel that you are okay. Defining your worth through your children makes them feel trapped in being what you want them to be, rather than being themselves.

If you do not have work, hobbies or other interests that are important to you, then you might be making your children your sole purpose in life, and you might be making them responsible for your feelings of self-worth.

Healing Enmeshed Parenting

Your children need you to be a role model of taking loving care of yourself; of defining your own worth and taking responsibility for your own feelings of pain and joy. They need to see you as a productive member of society, whether it is through your work, volunteer work, or creative activities and hobbies. They need to feel free to be themselves and follow their own path in life, without feeling that they will hurt or disappoint you. 10 Parenting Secrets To Empower Kids

More love advice from YourTango:

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
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Dr. Margaret Paul

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Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
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