Are You A Commitment-Phobe?

By

woman with bags
Are you afraid to commit to a relationship for fear of losing yourself and your freedom?

Marilee, a client of mine, was commitment phobic.

"I'd love to be in a loving relationship," she told me in one of our counseling sessions, "but I'm not willing to give up my freedom. I have a great life. I love my work and my friends. I love to travel and take workshops and classes. I don't want anyone telling me what I can or can't do. I don't want to deal with someone feeling hurt because I want to work rather than be with him. It's just not worth all the hassle." 5 Facts That Prove Men Aren't All Commitment-Phobes

 

Marcus, another client of mine, also experienced fear of commitment.

"When I'm not in a relationship, that's all I can think about it. I really want someone to play with, to love and to grow with, but soon after getting into a relationship, I start to feel trapped. I feel like I can't do what I want to do and I start to resent the person for limiting me. Most of the time, she has no idea what's going on and is stunned by the break-up. She thought everything was fine. After leaving her, I'm back to square one — wanting to be in a relationship. This has happened over and over again."

Commitment phobia has its roots in the belief that when we love someone, we are responsible for their feelings rather than for our own. Once we believe that we are responsible for another's feelings of hurt or rejection as a result of our behavior, we believe we need to limit ourselves in order to not upset the other person. Then, instead of standing up for our own freedom and right to pursue that which brings us joy, we limit our freedom in an effort to have control over the other person's feelings. This will always eventually lead to resentment. Why It's Easy to be Afraid of Committment?

"Marilee," I asked in one of our phone sessions, "What if you picked someone who also loved his work and his personal freedom?"

"Frankly, I can't imagine that. Every man I've been in a relationship with has wanted to spend more time with me than I have with him. Am I just picking the wrong man over and over?" 10 Signs He's Not The One

Keep reading...

More Juicy Content From YourTango:

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Trusting Others Starts With Trusting Yourself

By

"I have a hard time trusting people.""I never feel like I can trust my husband (or wife)." It is very common for me in my work as a counselor to hear the above statements. Trust issues abound in relationships. However, resolving trust issues is not about getting another person to be trustworthy. It's about you become a trustworthy ... Read more

How To Become Free

By

I used to think that to become free you had to practice like a samurai warrior, but now I understand that you have to practice like a devoted mother of a newborn child. It takes the same energy but has a completely different quality. It's compassion and presence rather than having to defeat the enemy in battle. ~Jack Kornfield, "The ... Read more

Are You Sometimes Angry And You Don't Know Why?

By

Gretta is very devoted to her spiritual path. It is extremely important to her to move through her life as a loving and compassionate person. She has a big heart and is always doing nice things for other people. It was, therefore, deeply upsetting to her when she would find herself suddenly irritated, angry or blaming toward someone. Yet as hard as she tried to ... Read more

See More

 
PARTNER POSTS
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular