Are Kindness and Tenderness Signs of Weakness?

By

Are Kindness and Tenderness Signs of Weakness?
Discover what weakness really is and how to acquire the strength to be kind and gentle.

"Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair but manifestations of strength and resolution."

~Kahlil Gibran

Over the 42 years that I have been counseling individuals and couples, I have heard countless times:

"If I cry in movies people will think I’m weak."
"If I’m kind, people will take advantage of me."
"If I'm gentle, people will see me as weak instead of powerful."
"Being emotional is a sign of weakness."

It is always sad to me when I hear people say this. I can easily identify with them, as I was also brought to believe that kindness, tenderness, and deep feelings were signs of weakness.

What is particularly sad to me is that the exact opposite is true.

Is it strength or weakness to have your heart open, rather than closed and protected against your fears of rejection?

Is it a sign of personal power or a sign of weakness when you put up walls of anger and judgment to protect yourself from being taken advantage of?

Inner strength is about knowing and valuing who you are — what is good and wonderful about you, what is true for you, what is in integrity for you. When you know these things about yourself, you no longer take rejection personally. You are no longer vulnerable to compromising yourself to please others. You can now keep your heart open to love, compassion, kindness and tenderness toward yourself and others because your fears of rejection and engulfment are gone.

This is strength. This is personal power.

When you have this inner strength, you can cry when you are moved without worrying about what anyone else will think, because you know that what they think of you is more about them than about you.

Weakness is about making others responsible for your sense of self-worth. Weakness stems from refusing to take responsibility for defining your own self-worth. Once you make others responsible for defining whether you are weak or strong, okay or not okay, competent or incompetent, worthy or unworthy, lovable or unlovable, then you have to constantly try to control what they think of you. That's when you might be afraid to cry when you are moved, or be kind and gentle with yourself or others, for fear of others' judgment of you.

Inner strength is about taking away others' authority to judge you and giving that authority to define you to the only entity who actually has that authority — your own spiritual Guidance.

Twenty-five years ago I learned how to have a deep and consistent connection with my personal spiritual Guidance. This connection was so profound for me that I quickly understood that only my personal spiritual Guidance knows everything about me and can define my true Self and sense of worth.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Relationships: The Power of Goodwill

By

Research into good marriages indicates that the most important choice healthy couples make is to have goodwill toward each other. This may seems like a simple requirement, yet many couples have anything but goodwill toward each other. Instead, they make it far more important to: • Attempt to control each other with criticism, judgments, blame, anger, ... Read more

“I Feel Overwhelmed”

By

I often hear from my clients that they feel overwhelmed. Generally, feeling overwhelmed means one of three things: • Overwhelmed by their feelings • Overwhelmed by time pressures • Overwhelmed by how to do things ‘right’ The feeling of overwhelm is generally caused by how we are treating ourselves and what we are telling ... Read more

The Moment of Choice – To Love or React

By

All of us have "triggers" that set off our fear or anxiety and may lead to our reactivity - anger, defensiveness, withdrawal, compliance or resistance. We are especially triggered in our important relationships. Take a moment right now to think about what, in your relationships, triggers you into your fear or anxiety. Are you triggered ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Most Popular