3. Focus on what you love about your partner rather than on what's wrong. When the bloom of falling in love starts to wear off, you might find yourself focusing on what you don't like about your partner. We all have an ego wounded self that often rears its controlling head when we feel insecure. None of us likes each other's wounded self, but it's not the wounded self we fell in love with.
What we fell in love with is the soul essence of each other. This part of us is what is truly beautiful and wonderful about each of us. If you focus on your partner's wounded self, you will likely feel disconnected and resentful towards your partner, but if you focus on your partner's essence, you can regain your original in-love feelings.
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4. Make time to be together. Once people live together, they get busy and often forget to make time for each other. Connection flourishes when you have the time to talk, learn, share, laugh, play and make love. Try setting aside date times, like you did when you were dating. We all live busy lives, especially after having children but if a loving and connected relationship is important to you, then you need to make time together a high priority.
5. Become aware of your controlling behavior. Most partners are aware of how the other person tries to control, but they are often completely unaware of how they try to control. Here are some of the ways you might be controlling without realizing it:
Giving yourself up. Do you give yourself up and go along with what your partner wants, to avoid conflict and rejection? When you are giving yourself up, you are trying to control how your partner feels about you.
Withdrawing. Withdrawal is generally a form of punishment, which says, "I will withdraw my love from you until you behave the way I want you to behave." You might use TV, work, the Internet, porn, video games and many other activities to shut your partner out.
Getting angry, blaming. Anger and blame are ways to intimidate your partner into doing what you want him or her to do.
Explaining, defending, teaching, nagging, analyzing. These are all ways of trying to get your partner to give himself or herself up and see or do things your way.
- Turning to substance addictions. This is another way, like withdrawing, of shutting out your partner. It's also a way of controlling/avoiding your feelings rather than learning how to take responsibility for them.
The problem with these controlling behaviors is that your partner will likely react by doing the same things or going into resistance. Each of you then perpetuates the disconnection between you. By becoming aware of your own controlling behaviors and being open to learning instead, you can heal your disconnection.
6. Shift your focus from getting love to being loving. Did you enter your relationship to get love — to get your partner to give you the sense of worth and security you are not giving to yourself? If you did, it is likely your partner has the same agenda, since we are attracted at our common level of woundedness — our common level of self-rejection.
When you shift your focus away from getting love and toward giving love to yourself and sharing your love with your partner, everything changes! If both of you learn how to bring love to yourselves and then share your love, your disconnected relationship will heal.
To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" – the first two weeks are free! ! Discover SelfQuest®, a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution computer program. Phone or Skype sessions with Dr. Margaret Paul.
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