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What the heck is "normal," anyway?
By Margaret Paul — Last updated on Apr 22, 2013
Do you like having covert sex in public, love to play with sex toys or relish having another couple in the bedroom to help stoke the fires of passion? (You wouldn't be the only one.) Here are 11 signs your sex life is totally normal.
And if you don't relate to these, don't despair. This is not an inclusive list. The best way to determine whether or not your sex life is normal is if you both enjoy it and no one is being harmed.
Here are 11 signs that your sex life might be more 'normal' than you thought
1. You make love infrequently
People's sex drives and sex needs are different — different libidos. If you make love once a week, once every two weeks or once a month, and you are both happy with this and both enjoy it when you do make love, that's great!
2. You don't have an orgasm
Satisfaction means different things to different people. Some are satisfied as long as they have an orgasm. For others, the closeness and connection are far more important than whether or not they climax. For still others, the satisfaction is in the experience, not in the outcome, and they feel satisfied even if they don't have intercourse. It's all good as long as both are happy with it.
3. You watch porn together to get into the mood
Does watching porn turn you on and add vitality to your sex life? Great! As long as you both enjoy it, it's perfectly normal.
4. You have an open relationship and both like having another person or couple in bed
Does adding another person or another couple add spice to your sex life? As long as this is acceptable to both of you, go for it! Sometimes, one partner finds it very arousing to watch his/her partner with someone of the same sex. Men often enjoy watching their partners with other women.
5. You like sharing your sexual experiences from other relationships
Many people find it hot to imagine their partners with someone else and receive pleasure from sharing this with each other. As long as neither of you feels threatened or jealous, you can both enjoy this.
6. Fantasizing is the only way you can get turned on
"I only get turned on when I fantasize about someone else or about being at the mercy of someone. Sometimes, I have to fantasize about someone looking at my genitals or about group sex, or about being abused in some way. What's wrong with me?" Nothing! Many people fantasize during sex to feel aroused. It doesn't mean you would actually want these things to happen, but if they are arousing, enjoy it.
7. You like kinky sex
One of my clients, a young and powerful woman, was questioning herself because she liked it when her boyfriend was controlling in bed — in charge and spanking her. She thought there was something wrong with her for liking this. She didn't like being hurt and he wouldn't actually hurt her, but she did like the vulnerability of being controlled. I assured her that there was nothing at all wrong with this as long as they both enjoyed it. There is a reason why Fifty Shades of Grey was such a bestseller!
8. Dirty talk is necessary to get the fires stoked
If one person wants more emotional connection or more romance, then it can become a problem, but a little naughty whispering isn't an issue as long as you both enjoy it.
9. You like to have covert sex somewhere in public
Naughty sex can be fun! Play under the table in a restaurant — finding a way to play with each other while looking like nothing is happening can be fun and exciting!
10. You use sex toys
Sex toys can add great pleasure to your sex life. If the only way you have an orgasm is with a vibrator, go for it! If you are curious about the various sex toys, take an excursion to your local sex store or go online to learn what is available — and what would be fun for you.
11. You like to have a drink or two before making love
If booze loosens you up and allows you to have more fun with each other, then no problem. Sometimes booze can affect performance and may become a problem or it leads to emotional disconnection, but as long as it is working for both of you, then have fun!
I hope you can see that anything both of you enjoy and isn't causing you or anyone else harm is part of normal sex life. Problems come into your sex life when you give yourself up and go along with something you don't want. This is what is not healthy. As long as you both want it and it isn't harming anyone, then enjoy it!
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Dr. Margaret Paul is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, and educator.
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