A "Pocket Guide" to Making Love Last

The ol’ saying is that "before you can have a healthy and loving relationship with someone else, you must first love yourself." Since the beginning of time, people have struggled with figuring out what it really means to love both oneself and another, and when it happens, if it is real and will last.

When it comes to healthier relationships there are two factors for making more than just a short term affair. The first is that stronger relationships tend to have overall levels of positive affect. Secondly, they have greater ability to reduce negative affect, soothe during conflict resolution, and accept another’s influence. The same is true for creating a healthy relationship with our Self. If we want to experience true love with another, we have to accept these rules for ourselves and commit to strengthening our ability to turn negatives into positives, and overcome our resistance to change things that may actually improve the quality of our lives!

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Be a Best Friend

Be a best friend to yourself and to your partner by showing spontaneous expressions of fondness and admiration. It’s not only important to notice and acknowledge our own needs on a regular basis, but our partner’s too. Don’t be afraid to be honest, wear your heart on your sleeve, and give and accept compliments. When the going gets tough, don't get going! Talk about things, don't run away. Avoid tendencies to criticize, stonewall, go to bed angry, or let unresolved feelings linger. 

Create Positive Sentiment

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Instead of automatically taking what your partner says as a criticism or evaluating it as negative, stop and realize that the issues they are addressing are important to them for some good reason. Give them the benefit of the doubt! Try to be patient, listen, and be understanding of their needs and values without judgment or criticism. Avoid rolling your eyes, because it shows contempt. When your partner is upset, focus on creating physiological soothing through showing empathy, understanding, and thoughtfulness through your words and actions. Commit to expressing your fondness and admiration for each other, and don’t get lazy about showing interest, excitement, affection, humor, validation, amusement, pleasure, and joy! Something as simple as an endearing “pet name” for your lover is a small but significant show of positive sentiment that can do wonders on many levels. Put some fun back into your relationship! Of course, it is also important that we aim to find more good in ourselves too, and turn our own negative thoughts into positive ones! 

Focus on Dialogue, Avoid Gridlock