2) Know exactly how to ask for what you want. Here’s the thing, if you ask for something when you are either feeling sorry for yourself or pissed off at your partner, there is no way that you are going to ask in a way that leads to results. You’ve got to dig deep, listen to the words you are saying to yourself, change them, and then ask from a healthy place. If you are saying to yourself, “I never get what I want, it’s always about him, no one cares about me” you will be asking with a whiny, pouty voice that may get you what you want but certainly won’t leave you or him feeling good about you. Is that really what you want, a band-aid? A flimsy one at that?
If you are saying to yourself, “I shouldn’t even have to ask for this, he should know what I want. What’s wrong with him? My girlfriend’s husbands would never act like this.” Then you are guaranteed to ask him with a bitchy tone that will either annoy the heck out of him or put him on the defensive. Neither of which will lead to the two of you walking away feeling great about each other or your relationship. Asking him from a place of calm will guarantee at least a pleasant conversation even if the answer is still no.
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3) Manage your response to his response. What? Well here’s the thing, after all of this nice work on your part he may still say no and that’s likely to upset you in some way. Feeling that way would be perfectly reasonable yet if you want to permanently change your pattern of communication and get out of that miserable doom loop, you are going to have to manage your response to his response. If you get aggressive, bitchy, whiny, pouty, or give him the silent treatment, you have just landed yourself in the place you wanted to get out of.
Now is not the time to give up. Hold tight to your calm, confident self, take a deep breath and ask his some well-meaning questions about his response. See if you can get more information from him about why he is saying no. Ask nicely to revisit the topic at another time and do your best to stay civil and connected to him. If your long-term goal is to improve how the two of you communicate and to feel better about yourself when you do so, stay calm and focused on that goal and not on the moment. Change takes time so stick with it. Most likely he will start to make some changes himself and suddenly the two of you will be out of that doom loop and in a much more satisfying relationship.
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