Are you being seduced by bad behavior?
Divorce can be brutal or divorce can be an opportunity to grow. The key to a successful one is letting go of the beliefs, behaviors and stories that don't work in the here and now, and eventually clearing the patterns that got you into a bad marriage to begin with. But letting go is easier said than done. In order to let go effectively, you have to understand the unconscious patterns that run you and have the right techniques to clear them.
One of the most common "can't let go" patterns is seduction. Take Mary Jane for example. Mary Jane married a bum. He quit his job soon after she married him, had two children with her, and lived off her inheritance. Mary Jane thought of herself as easy going and accommodating, so she never nagged him about getting a job, his being completely uninterested in his children (in fact, he never sat down to dinner with them), or not wanting to have sex or spend any time with her. After 10 years she finally had enough and asked him to move out. But, two and a half years later, they still weren't divorced because she was waiting for him to make a move. Her friends recommended she see me. In her first Healing from the Body Level Up (HBLU) session I explained that by being accommodating she was actually just enabling her husband to get away with bad behavior, and her days of being a doormat were over. The cause of this behavior was a very common seducer strategy that prevents people from saying no and setting limits. It is worded, "I sacrifice myself to please others in order to get love, appreciation, and acceptance, etc."
What is Seduction?
Seduction patterns arise from a trauma that leaves a person feeling dead or empty inside. The "dead" part is desperate to come back to life and believes the only way to do this is to get what it needs from somebody outside of you. In a seducee pattern, the person being seduced (seducee) attempts to get what he/she needs by accepting gifts or the promise of gifts from others and pays for it by allowing them to drain him/her of positive qualities like energy, joy, and compassion. In a seducer strategy, the person doing the seducing (seducer) tries to get what he/she needs by bribing, threatening or manipulating. In effect, the promise from either side is, "I'll bring you to life."
Sadly, it is not really possible for someone outside of you to completely bring you to life. The most that anyone gets in a seduction pattern is a small amount of what the dead part needs — and it is insufficient, perverted, and unsatisfying. Both parties are hooked on the crumb of what they have gotten and the hope of more to come. Neither side can let go because the dead part is afraid that if it gives up what little it is getting it will go back to being completely dead which is unacceptable.
The only way to get free of a seduction is to give back or refuse to take the gifts that you are tempted by, but the dead part can't let go for fear that if it gives up what little it is getting, it will go back to being completely dead. To clear seduction, we use a prayer intervention in which you:
1. Renounce the gifts you're being promised (while feeling desperate not to),
2. Ask God (a source that can actually deliver) to free you from the seduction, heal the dead part, and provide what you need.
After saying the prayer, you'll notice that now that you no longer feel desperate, you can get what you need in a straightforward way.
(The intervention works instantly regardless of attitudes toward or belief in God.)
A Simple Intervention to Clear Seducer Strategies.
Determine how and what you are trying to get by seducing. While feeling desperate, say:
"I renounce this strategy of _____ (ex. sacrificing myself to please others) in order to get _____ (ex. love, appreciation, acceptance) and I pray God to free me from everyone I do this with and heal all parts of myself. And I pray God to free me from this seduction pattern. And I pray God to free me from this whole pattern and everything that made me susceptible to it. And I pray God to provide me with whatever else I need in these areas."
After clearing this seducer strategy, Mary Jane decided to take charge. She called her lawyer that day and told him to initiate divorce proceedings. She continued to do HBLU to help her keep the process moving, and she was divorced with a minimum of conflict in six months! Now she's happy to be free, she's enjoying raising her children, and she has no regrets.
More divorce advice from YourTango:
- The Top 5 Mistakes That Lead To Divorce
- Dating After Divorce: What You Need To Know
- How To Save Your Marriage When You Feel Hopeless