What men need to know about sex, sexuality and their intimate relationships.
1. Men and women both believe in a fantasy model of sexuality. According to Zibergeld [The New Male Sexuality], both parties have tended to agree that ‘sex’ equals intercourse and that there must be an erection followed by two orgasms – preferably simultaneously. Unfortunately, many couples who try to strictly adhere to this model and fall short, end up feeling less than adequate. Sex should not be based on performance but on pleasure, fun and intimacy. For too many men and as many women there is tremendous significance given to the almighty erection as a sign of masculine prowess and a women’s desirability. As a result, with this much meaning being placed or “hanging on” to the erection, for some guys it is a wonder that they can get it up at all.
2. Most boys to men come into their sexuality or have their sexual engines “turned on” around three prongs: it is always secret, private and impersonal. When boys first learn about their own arousal it is usually because they saw stimulating/erotic/pornographic images on or from the Internet, movies, magazines or came across their first sighting of another person that was arousing. Unfortunately, this event for the most part remains secret and kept that way as we as a society have not made large enough strides in helping our boys feel comfortable/safe enough to confidentially discuss their sexuality. There can be many reasons but the one I most often hear about is because their parents were so uncomfortable discussing issues related to sex and sexuality.
3. Books that support healthy sexual expressions that are written to educate and promote a safe, fun and pleasurable view of sexuality should be on your bookcase. My favorite text to recommend is Paul Joannides’ – The Guide To Getting It On. Joannides has dedicated his professional endeavors to keeping the book up to date and brimming with a great, healthy positive attitude toward sex and sexuality. His writings support a view of sexuality based on pleasure, fun and intimacy as well.
4. Learn to communicate with your partner/lover/spouse about what turns you on. Most people have their best sexual experiences when they can relax, let go and be vulnerable to the one they are with even at the risk of sounding odd or strange. I have worked with many couples who were able to increase the intensity of their sexual relationship by sharing fantasies, even/especially if it meant telling her/him how turned on they would be to see them with someone else. The big distinction here is that it is just a fantasy and not something that has to be lived out. Fantasies, as many people have learned, either easy or the hard way, are sometimes best kept in the mind where all the variables can be controlled.
5. Lastly, quit obsessing about the quality of your erection and focus that attention on the quality of your relationship. Most of the couples I have worked with over the years prefer to have a close, intimate and emotional connection. Do not be afraid to use humor in the bedroom as a way to diffuse uncomfortable situations and reintroduce pleasure, fun and intimacy back into the relationship. While the erectile dysfunction drugs can and have been used to shore up one’s confidence, it is not a Jack In The Beanstalk solution. You just don’t throw the pill down and expect the ‘tree’ to grow – you still need to get aroused. If you are not getting aroused, it may be that your body is sending you clear signals that something other than your penis is not working.
For the New Year if you had to choose the one area of your relationship with your partner that would greatly enhance your sexual experiences with one another then make it a good one. I would recommend either change your attitude or improve your communication with one another. The benefits will be long lasti