Women who had premarital doubts are two and a half times more likely to get divorced in 4 years.
1. We fight a lot and don’t seem to resolve things
2. He drinks more than I am comfortable with.
3. I am afraid he just wants to control me.
4. Our interests are not really alike
5. He doesn’t seem interested at all in my friends.
6. He is more interested in being with his guy friends than me.
7. When I have asked him to get help, he refuses and doesn’t believe there’s a problem.
Pay attention to these issues. If you are feeling concerned, there’s probably a reason.
Trust the UCLA research team that discovered that when you as a woman are unsure, your radar may be picking up something very important. The odds of getting a divorce in four years increase by two and a half times if you are unsure as compared to women who walk down the aisle with confidence.
You as a couple need certain skills if your relationship can make it. Learn now how to lower the heat of fighting and how to resolve conflicts. Calling time outs alone can help you refrain from saying things that still hurt the next morning. Develop ways to make up after a fight.
Be clear that you both expect to time with each other no matter how stressful or demanding the job.
Drinking does not stop just because you get married. Be sure your partner has moved out of the college drinking or binging stage before you tie the knot. Some men never do and you will wind up being married to an alcoholic.
In terms of controlling you, be alert when your friends say that they no longer feel they have contact with you. Your fiancé may want to monopolize all of your time and it may not just be that he’s so in love.
Tune into the feeling that you do not get your way some of the time. You may be a spoiled only child who expects to win on everything. If not, then care about your partner’s willingness to negotiate and to create win-win solutions.
As a couple you will need common interests. Without these you will spend little time together later on and you will start to drift away from each other and possibly lose each other.
When couples come to me for marriage counseling, they will often say we just don’t want to do the same things.
In fact if drinking together and enjoying sex was the principle glue that held them together, they wind up later on experiencing their relationship as empty.
When your fiancé can’t find time to hang out with your friends some of the time, you may need to worry. This may mean that he does not trust that they will appreciate him and will pull you away from him.
Besides your friends will tell you, if you’re not yourself around him or losing your identity by merging with him.
You want a guy who has good and deep friendships. But if he just goes out late into the night with them he still may not be ready to move into marriage. He may prefer the culture of watching sports and having a few leaving you at home with the children.
By now if you feel you are resonating with far too many of these concerns, I hope you will find a way to seek help. If you are thinking of walking down that aisle, do not let this be a negotiable item if you are concerned.
Most guys shy away from anything that sounds like therapy. But this reaction may be to your hesitance. They may fear that unless they let everyone know the date so they can get their plane tickets cheaply, you will back out of the marriage.
Do not be manipulated if you are concerned about the above issues.
Even if the reception and church are booked, you can still reassure yourself by having some quick sessions with an experienced premarital counselor. Expect this to take at least six sessions. If there are big issues, it may require more time.
Be clear that you want the counselor to express his or her concerns about whether the marriage should be postponed. Ask whether or not the issues seem solvable before you make the final commitment.
As you know, you can regret upsetting family and friends, but that’s nothing compared to creating a marriage that may lead to divorce.
For over 35 years, I have helped couples find the ways that lead to true trust and intimacy. I am particularly committed to meeting with couples early on to get started on the right foot. Call me at 914 548 8645 for an appointment in Bronxville or NYC.