Don't Let This Happen To Your Marriage

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Don't Let This Happen To Your Marriage
If your friend finds a husband cheating, you may wonder if this could happen to you. Don't let it.

Do you ever wonder why your friends find their partner is cheating?  After over 40 years of helping couples save their marriage, I want to summarize the all too common story.  

Couples remember well, that wonderful “the in-love” feeling.  That first moment of meeting will make them smile.  Asking them what they thought of each other brings giggles.

 


In those moments, they felt like they could talk all night, and had known each other forever.


The story of our age, however, is that couples begin to lose touch with each other.


They do not realize it at the time. Like the frogs in cold water who never realize it’s starting to boil they don’t jump out or know how effectively to reengage.


I am writing to persuade you not to let this happen to you.


Perhaps you didn’t notice, but you were spending less and less quality time with your partner.  Maybe you both got caught up in your careers, or with your children.

Sometimes your sick parents or long travel became the focus of your attention.  Maybe getting lost to the screens in your lives became obsessive. 


Yet you probably drifted apart because you were having less satisfaction when you were together.  You didn’t notice how often you were criticizing each other.   You greeted each other with disappointment rather than the warm smile that welcomed.

 

You talked about how the other never did anything around the house or initiated anything fun.  Rather than sharing your yearning, you just complained.

So here’s the real reason you or your partner may find someone else.  One of you has come to the conclusion that the other simply doesn’t care.

Let me quickly say, that this is sometimes a rationalization and sometimes a totally inaccurate portrait. But remember, the sense that your partner has, is the one that ultimately counts, even more than all of your good intentions.

You may have had many good reasons for being unresponsive to your partner’s request for some quality time.   In any marriage each of you will find yourselves, tired or otherwise engaged.  With dual careers and/or children, you will find this inevitable.

Here’s the thing.  It’s how you turn the other down and whether or not you pay attention to the yearning underneath that leaves the impression that you don’t care.

Maybe you are too tired for sex or to go out with friends.  If you spent your day with a boss berating you, you may not come home with much energy to schmooze.

Yet over time, your partner may be building a reservoir of accumulated hurt and almost unconsciously turn inward and then eventually outward to someone else.

You may find yourself wishing your partner would see the obvious that you can barely keep your eyes open.

Article contributed by

Dr. Jim Walkup LMFT

Marriage/Couples Counselor

Learn quickly the best practices for effectively communicating, ending useless fighting, and supporting each other's search for meaning.   Don't settle for a lukewarm or worse partnership.  Addressing the problems now will usher you into building the relationship you have always wanted. 

 

 

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: DMin, LMFT
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