8 Progressive Steps That Could Destroy Your Marriage

By

8 Progressive Steps That Could Destroy Your Marriage
If you sense your relationship or marriage is in trouble, you can recognize these signposts.

Of course marriages can fail for many reasons.  Over 40 years of marriage counseling I have heard the following steps to marital disintegration over and over again.  Most couples can remember exciting times when they first met.  They can tell you why of all the eligible individuals of the opposite sex, they chose their mate.

Let me describe the basic transitions that lead to a marriage falling apart.


1.  In the first phase the two of you were “in love” and your brains were bathed in cocaine like endorphins.  Your heart beat faster as you came in contact.  You felt like you had known each other forever.  You could talk all night. 

 

Most importantly, you could work around your differences easily.  They seemed like quirks that were just charming.  The good feelings of just being together far outweighed any negative energy that got kicked up.

 

2. Over time the two of you turned your attention to things that had become significant to your long term plan.  (See Dr. Walkup's 14 Exercises for Building Your Relationship).  Your careers may have taken over most of your discretionary time. When you met at night you were too tired to catch up, much less make love.

 

3. In the next phase no doubt you had other pressures arise as well.  For most couples, the blessed arrival of children also sends the satisfaction level of the marriage downhill.  The time for loving and touching gets spent on the little ones who need it and who give so freely.  One of your relatives may have become quite ill.  You may have lost your job. 

 

4. At this point you may remember that you let slip by the board those promises to have at least one night out alone together a week.   (See 7 Marriage Saving Resolutions), Vacations and getaways centered on the children or seeing your parents.  All of this seemed so natural and normal.

 

5. But slowly you found yourselves drifting apart.  You hardly noticed that you were going to bed at different times and that you felt more irritable at each other.  Your differences now seem like reasons that you should not have gotten married. You blamed it on the work schedules and just keeping up with the children’s needs.

 

6. Eventually one of you begins to imagine that the other simply does not care.  Each turn down of a request to talk, to have sex, to go out leads to a sense that maybe your partner does not get you anymore or even more devastatingly doesn’t care anymore. 

 

7. Now you may be reading this article because you have awakened to this downward spiral and know something needs to change.  Please feel free to give me a call in the New York City or Westchester area at 914 548 8645.

 

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Jim Walkup LMFT

Marriage/Couples Counselor

I am passionate about helping you as a couple find new ways to relate more intimately and more joyfully.  Give me the chance to help shape your interactions so that they are productive, maningful and life giving.  If you are in the New York City or Bronxville call me to set up an appointment at 914 548 8645

 

 

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: DMin, LMFT
Other Articles/News by Dr. Jim Walkup LMFT:

Lessons To Learn From Julianne Hough and Ryan Seacrest's Breakup

By

"In every relationship, I had one foot out because I didn't want to get hurt. And I didn't say what was on my mind because I didn't want to ruffle any feathers. I needed to be perfect," Julianne Hough told Redbook following her breakup after two years with Ryan Seacrest. In these few words, Julianne packs a wealth of truth about what ... Read more

Don't Let This Happen To Your Marriage

By

Do you ever wonder why your friends find their partner is cheating?  After over 40 years of helping couples save their marriage, I want to summarize the all too common story.   Couples remember well, that wonderful “the in-love” feeling.  That first moment of meeting will make them smile.  Asking them what they thought of ... Read more

One Question That Can Help Save Your Marriage

By

What’s the one question that can save a lot of misused energy in loving your partner?  Regularly ask your partner, “Do you feel loved by me and if not, what would make the difference.“ You see deep down, we human beings know that we cannot survive without another or others that we can turn to. You just didn’t ... Read more

See More

GET MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS IN YOUR INBOX!

Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

FROM AROUND THE WEB