Resentful Compliance vs Commitment
By Dr. Jim Hutt. Posted on .
When following through with a particular commitment, integrity remains intact, and the trust between the two of you is reinforced. Commitments are made consciously, and typically are made together.
When you follow through with a commitment, you do so because you understand that following through, in general, keeps trust alive. There may, indeed, be the occasional decision to be a good sport and “go along to get along,” but it is not done as part of a pattern that has a core of resentment running through it.
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The Partners of The Resentfully Compliant
Are you the partner of someone who is resentfully compliant? If you think you are, ask yourself the following questions:
Does my partner avoid conflict?
If so, what role, if any, do I play in that?
Do I make it difficult for my partner to say “no?”
Am I aware that my partner cannot say “no,” and do I take advantage of that to get what I want at my partner’s expense?
These questions begin to address the core of the patterns that resentfully compliant people and their partners engage in.
The Resentfully Compliant Partner
If you are the resentfully compliant one, ask yourself:
Do I avoid conflict regardless of how my partner responds to me?
Am I afraid to say “no” because of thoughts, beliefs, feelings and patterns I developed in my family of origin?
Do I refuse to accept responsibility for my role in this pattern, and instead blame my partner?
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Answers to those questions begin to break the patterns resentfully compliant people and their partners repeat. Discuss them with each other. If necessary, explore them with a counselor who can facilitate a healthy process.
These patterns can be changed, but doing so requires persistence, effort and commitment. Ultimately, it will be well worth because resentful compliance will not work.
