2. There is more to a relationship than just communication. Everyone assumes good communication is the key to creating good relationships but my experience tells me, "it ain't necessarily so." Imagine this: your loved one lives in another city and you want to tell him or her how important they are to you. So you pick up the phone and begin to communicate your love. However, after minutes of getting no response, you realize your error. Although you are communicating your heart out, you never actually dialed the number and made the connection.
Likewise in our relationships, if we aren't emotionally connected, no amount of good communication is going to bring us the love we want. Further, we can connect with someone but if we are only communicating our anger, blame, judgment, ridicule, etc., it isn't likely to improve our relationships.
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Couples don't become disconnected because they have poor communication. They have poor communication because they are disconnected.
3. The best way to break connection with a woman is through fear. Although both men and women can be moved by fear, women are more vulnerable to fear and react more strongly. Research shows that baby girls, from the day they are born, are more sensitive to isolation and lack of contact.
This sensitivity evolved as an important survival mechanism to protect vulnerable females and keep them in contact with those that could keep them from harm. Think of a female in our evolutionary past who needed the protection of the group in order to keep her alive and well.
A female's primary need is to be cherished. From the moment of birth until the day she dies she needs to feel that a "special someone" will protect and care for her and no other. Whenever this connection is threatened she feels anxiety and fear. "Over the millennia, females developed a kind of internal GPS that keeps them aware of closeness and distance in all their relationships,” say Patricia Love and Steven Stosny, authors of How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. "When a woman feels close she can relax; when she feels distant, she gets anxious."
4. The best way to break connection with a man is through shame. Although the human egg is microscopic, it is large enough to house 250 thousand sperm. Eggs weigh 85 thousand times as much as sperm.Think how you'd feel if you had to merge with someone who is 85 thousand times heavier than you? Now, think of the competition involved in mating. There are 50 million to 5 hundred million sperm per ejaculation. How would you feel competing against those numbers for the prized egg?
Since it is the female that carries the egg, males are the ones who have to compete with each other in order to be chosen by the female. Sexual competition is a replay of fertilization itself. Numerous males, like small, hyperactive sperm, compete among themselves for access to females.
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Males often remember, with a great deal of shame, walking across a room and asking the "cute" girl to dance, only to be turned down and having to walk back to his seat feeling that all eyes are on him and people are saying to themselves, "loser, loser, loser." This is the essence of male shame. We are always in competition with other males to be chosen by a female who can trigger our feelings of insufficiency and inadequacy with a casual shake of her head. And our shame deepens as others witness our retreat.