David and Melanie put each other in parental roles
David looked to Melanie for approval and recognition, for pride and self-esteem. If he didn’t get it, she was a mean authority figure. If he did get it occasionally she was a good caretaker. David put her in the role of parent.
Melanie wanted to be taken seriously, given time and attention over and above everything else. She put David in the position of a parent who either made her feel like a nuisance or as a child who never did the right thing to win the love of her caretaker.
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If you put your partner in the role of parent, the sex won’t work!
Sex with parents is forbidden in our society, for good reason. If it happens we are sickened, we see it as abuse and a punishable offense. We are disgusted by it and either hide it, or develop hateful relationships with the transgressors of that important norm. It is inbuilt in us humans that we do not have sexual contact with those who gave us life.
David and Melanie were operating on that taboo. They put each other in parental roles, so how could they have sex as equal partners? They did it out of duty or sufferance, a burden to an authority figure or a ‘right’ to be owned and operated. Their relationship was based on raw and unprocessed, unfinished business with their own natural parents, played out miserably in their marriage.
So how can David and Melanie enjoy sex as two adults in an equal relationship?
Basically, be up front about wanting to be indulged and spoiled. It will remove the burdens of having to play good parent/bad parent roles.
1. Become aware of their need for parenting and own it. Once each of them does this without shame or discomfort, they can get those needs met up front. Then and only then will they have room to relate as equals in a partnership.
2. Spend some time indulging each others need to be prince or princess. If it is done up front, with a full understanding that they recognize the wish to be spoilt and loved to the exclusion of all others, they can enjoy the experience and laugh about it.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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