Minimum Standards


Minimum Standards
A Firewall Against Future Heartache and Disappointment

A Firewall Against Future Heartache and Disappointment



You have dated Henry for three weeks.  What’s amazing is that you like him!  Hooray!! These days, in the dating world, wanting to see someone for a second date is almost a miracle.  Three dates and you’re hopeful that something substantial might develop.
You reach out to Mr. Wonderful Monday morning at 9.  Nothing important… “Hi.  Wanted to say hello and see what’s up.  Give a call when you have a chance.”  Monday comes and goes.  Tuesday morning, afternoon and early evening come and go.  Finally you get a message at 10 p.m. on Wednesday of  “Hey, got your message.  Good to hear from you.  Call me when you have a chance”.

How you understand these events is why minimum standards are so important.  I’m speaking of minimum, not maximum standards.  This is not about Henry having to be six feet tall with a full head of hair and broad shoulders, is smart, curious and sensitive.  This is not about needing/wanting Henry to having a great family and quality friends and makes a terrific living.  No, this is about minimum standards that, if not reached, should be a huge sign that says to at the least slow down or, at most, pull the ripcord.

Obviously the “minimum standard” in the above example would be something like: “If I reach out to someone I care about, it is important that that person respond to me in some way in a reasonable about of time.”

More from YourTango: How To Have A "Good" Fight In Your Relationship

“Reasonable” is an important point. This can be subjective but I’m assuming that we are all relatively rational and mature people here.  A message at 9 a.m. doesn’t require a reply in ten minutes or even two hours, but at some time during the day and message like; “Got your message.  I’m totally slammed today and tomorrow looks crazy as well.  I’ll reach out by Wednesday evening.”  That type of message takes all of 30 seconds to write or say and can easily fall into the minimum standards category. 

When you lower minimum standards or you put them to the side because you choose to believe the reason they get broken (I am so busy that I couldn’t get back to you) you create a relationship precedent that is very likely problematic and certainly subpar of what you should want and expect. 

What are your minimum standards? Make a list of the qualities/behaviors that are things that you simply won’t allow in your relationship.  They might include drug or alcohol use, flirting, career/motivation/ family values to name a view.  Adhering to these minimum standards will allow you to cut off relationships before they become emotionally charged and complicated.  They will prevent heartache while serving as a strong foundation for self-esteem and self care.

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Recent Expert Posts
Dating Tips: 10 Signs Your Guy Has Fallen For You

10 Signs Your Guy Is Falling In Love With You

Does that new hunky guy you've been dating see you in his future? Here are 10 ways he'll show you.

Relationship Advice For Women: 5 Things That Turn Men Off

How To Lose A Guy In Ten Minutes: 5 Major Turn-Offs

If you want to impress a new guy, avoid these major turn-offs.

Sex Education: How Sex Ed Will Lower Birth Rates

Sex Education In South Carolina: How It Changed Their City

It's important that you're honest with your children.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>