What if your sex life isn’t making love but more like making “blah?” Perhaps you have a wonderful, happy relationship with your partner; but when it comes to sex it isn’t the mind-blowing, toe-curling, light-my-hair-on-fire experience you’re craving. Whether you’ve been in a relationship for 20 years or have been seeing somebody for 2 months, this lack of chemistry can really take a toll. It’s all too common that we become tongue-tied when discussing sex with our partner. We may be afraid of hurting our partner’s ego or creating a complex that ultimately makes sex worse. Whatever the reason, keep in mind that a lack of communication will usually do more harm than good.
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I’m not saying to go out today and start critiquing your partner’s performance. There are constructive ways to broach this sensitive subject that can leave your partner feeling good about the conversation vs. questioning their abilities. How you go about this can make or break the conversation. In many instances, the partner on the receiving end of the conversation will be glad you are bringing up the topic because he/she may be feeling the same low wattage. Find a comfortable place to talk and bring up your wants. Talk about what you want to add to your sex life. Avoid putting your partner on the defensive by bringing up what they’re not doing or what you don’t like. The goal here is to suggest a new behavior (whatever it may be that you enjoy) to replace the behavior you don’t enjoy. For example, if you don’t like your partner’s hygiene, suggest showering together as foreplay. Consider a subtle hint, like “I love it when you smell like (the soap they use/laundry/fresh linen/baby powder/you get the idea), it turns me on.” My point is that you can turn a negative (what frustrates you) into a positive (ie: a playful, sexy request).
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Another common complaint I hear is when one partner likes to have slow, smoldering sex full of eye contact and “I love you’s”, but the other seems more interested in just getting it over with. If you don’t want your girlfriend to bypass foreplay and get straight to “business”, then suggest sensual activities that are centered around taking it slow and playful teasing. If there’s something for the other person to gain or be rewarded with, they’re more likely to meet your request. Give your partner the opportunity to suggest new ideas to your sex life as well. It’s likely that your partner has some good ideas.
Something to remember is that media can skew our expectations when it comes to sex. Every sexual encounter will not look and feel like an L-word scene. Be realistic. Bad sex can improve to average sex or maybe even better. The point is to have realistic expectations and know that no relationship is perfect. If you live a happy daily life together, that will likely outweigh an average sex life. Small improvements may be all that you get, but communicating about sex is an important thing to be able to do and will reap long term rewards.
Having Better Sex 101