Beneath a couple’s fight is creative tension struggling to be resolved and released. A fight is energy: The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy. Thus, when a couple is arguing and bickering, it is an outward sign that there is still care and molecules of emotion kinetic between them. If this can energy be harvested and organized into an up-level debate of differing viewpoints, then the couple is on a constructive path. However, if the fight devolves to nasty cruelty, ego-incrimination, or using one’s secrets or insecurities against the other; we may cross over into a zone of non-repair. “ Only bad things happen quickly,” it is said. So breathe and think before you respond, and keep your fights diplomatic.
But do engage in occasional sparring duels of minds and words. You see, women are acculturated to please and feel they have to create harmony and avoid conflict wherever possible. If the woman does not speak up, and instead assumes an appeasing, even ingratiating stance with her man; yes – she may avoid a ripple and make it easier for him in that moment. However, she gradually ‘disappears’ and ‘invisibles’ her own identity. Then the relationship becomes unilateral, instead of dyadic; and built on a foundation of dishonesty. The ultimate destiny of an inauthentic relationship is that it feels dead.
So, couples, have that dialectic discussion and come up with a creative negotiation of both your views. Welcome and deal with polarities. Thoughts and values get clarified, communication flows, and your relationship will bask in healthy juice. Stay short of destruction in fighting, but do not let things always ossify in agreement. Learn a benevolent way of fighting, akin to a debate aimed at resolution of conflicting and inchoate views. This verbal activity can be a rather sexy synthesis.
Dr. Eryn Oberlander 212-725-8111 firstname.lastname@example.org