The danger of making assumptions in relationships


The danger of making assumptions in relationships
You know what they say about assumptions, right? It makes an ASS out of U and ME!

One of the most common problems that I see when working with couples is the game of assumptions. This is when people infer based on previous behavior what the other is thinking and feeling. No space is left for something new. The assumer feels defensive and self-protective and the “assumee” feels shut out and not seen. The more rooted a couple becomes in assumptions, the more predictable the interactions. Scripts replace spontaneity.

When assumptions become the norm in most interactions, both members of the couple end up feeling emotionally deprived and victimized. When they show up in my office, they are fighting about everything. You can feel the chill in the air.


The goal in the beginning of the therapy is to break this vicious cycle of assumptions and to create enough safety via validating both partners’ hurt so that an environment of sharing and healing can be created. Couples can become aware of their assumptions and the impact they have on each other. They can be taught to listen in a new way. When this happens it feels as if arid ground has been fertilized and new life can grow.

If you feel like you are caught in this pattern with your partner, it is really worth seeking help and doing something about it. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

David B Younger, PhD, CGP, PC

- See more at:

This article was originally published at David B. Younger . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. David Younger


David B. Younger, Ph.D, CGP, P.C.
1225 Park Avenue, Suite 1S
New York, NY 10128

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: CGP, MA, MS, PhD
Other Articles/News by Dr. David Younger:

10 Stages: How Love Transforms Over Time


A lifelong relationship can be distilled down into 10 stages. Unfortunately many relationships do not make it past the fifth or sixth stage, but the universal factor necessary to reach "the end" is communication. Without it, there's no chance of sustaining a dynamic and fruitful partnership. Without it, relationships turn stale and resentment ... Read more

Why I meditate


I have been interested in meditation for years, but it was only until fairly recently that I completed a Vedic meditation training here in NYC and committed to a regular practice. In the Vedic tradition, a mantra is used to anchor the meditation. One of the biggest benefits of meditation, as far as I am concerned, is that it is a consciousness and practice ... Read more

Listen to your children


Children need to be listened to. Do not assume that you know what they are feeling. The fact that they may not have words for their feelings makes it easier to dismiss them, and when they start crying inconsolably it can be equally challenging as a parent to be supportive, because a crying child moves many things inside the parents from our own childhoods. We ... Read more

See More

Latest Expert Videos
Must-see Videos
Most Popular