Consider these three factors first.
By Dr. Dar Hawks — Written on Feb 11, 2013
Pining for the "good old days" with your ex can be a nice break from your daily routine, but when is it a good idea to hold out hope of reconciliation?
Well, there are three foundational requirements for a healthy relationship. They are: trust, open communication and balancing individuality with being a couple.
Without trust, a relationship cannot survive. Trust is about allowing yourself to be completely genuine in the relationship; being able to say anything and feel heard and understood; knowing your partner always respects you; knowing your partner is always faithful; feeling solid, grounded and stable in the relationship; feeling 100 percent safe in the relationship (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually).
Open communication is equally essential. It's about knowing you can share from your heart without fear; listening openly and without judgment; following through on agreements; being supported for having your own opinions and beliefs (even with topics like religion, spirituality and politics); being able to find common ground in the midst of disagreement.
Now, there are three spokes in a relationship: you, your partner and the relationship. All need love, attention and support. A healthy balance includes having your own friends; having mutual friends to do things with together as a couple; participating in your own interests and hobbies; being your own person in the relationship; making decisions collaboratively; and being supportive of individual decisions.
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Good things come in threes. With the three foundational requirements in mind, here are three simple steps to help you determine whether or not you should hold out hope of reconciling with your ex:
Step 1. Define what long-term means to you. Do you want to get back with your ex for another year? Or do you want to have a life-long relationship resulting in marriage? Do you want to have children with your ex?
Most people want a long-term relationship and define long-term as life-long. It is important to be clear about this question before we discuss dealbreakers.
Step 2: Identify whether or not the three, core foundational requirements are dealbreakers or not. A dealbreaker means you must walk away from the relationship if your requirement is not completely present.
Step 3: Review the entire time you were in the relationship with your ex. Were you mostly happy, fulfilled and harmonious? Or were you stressed, worried, anxious, frustrated or worse most of the time?
More for You:
Feeling good and positive overall will help you make the best choice for yourself and your future. These steps will help you figure out whether you feel good overall or not before you make a decision that will impact you for the rest of your life.