You can't allow someone to keep you broken, especially after they've left.
Breaking up is hard enough, but allowing someone to keep you broken, especially after they've left, is not fair to you. After countless hours of needless suffering, if you don't do something to stop your aching pain, you're the one who's taken over torturing you. Don't keep beating yourself up because your ex left you, here's some food for thought.
Every week scores of clients contact my office feeling just like you feel right now. Hoping to ease the pain, they come to me heartbroken and emotionally devastated. Because I know firsthand what it feels like to be hurt, that's why I wrote my best selling book. Break Up, Don't Break Down. The reason was simple, after an exhaustive search for books, or materials, that could help heal hurting, broken people, I found nothing. I kept digging up books that either dealt with the surface issues, or had nothing more than a bunch of click your heels three times and you'll feel better one liners. Nothing addressed the intricate issues most of people are dealing with. Little if anything dealt with the real sources of people's hurt and frustration. Exposing the tormenting thoughts of regret, the guilt associated with religious beliefs, or how to handle the negative impact on children was seldom discussed. Where were the step by step instructions on how to pull it together and move forward? The phrase, Love doesn't love anybody, is an understatement. When you're hurting, you cannot risk having the wrong person in your head.
Breaking up is hard enough. Making matters worse, misery loves, and attracts the wrong company. Adding insult to injury, you don't know your in the wrong company until you've allowed the people participating in your pity party to influence you to do something stupid. Something you will later regret. Hearing things like, "if you want to get over one man — find another one." Or, "all women are users, you can't trust none of them." And what about, "I'm just going to play the field, I'll be damned if I put my heart out there for someone to break it again." All of those warped strategies will result in one thing — MORE PAIN. Truth is, there are only two ways to successfully move past the hurt and pain of a break up:
Go through it
Hire an experienced Certified Coach.
All the empathy and sympathy may comfort you, but it's not going put your broken heart back together. If anything, it may delay, if not impede your progress. I caution you — misery loves company. Friends and family mean well, but often they add to the problem more than solve it. Especially is your family is riddled with dysfunctional people, or those who've never been through anything. To make it through this you need the right help. Breaking Up Is Hard Enough. You need someone who with the right expertise to guide you through those hurt feelings. You need someone who's been there and done that. You need someone who understands the frustration, the shame and the anger the comes and goes on a moment by moment basis. If not, you are going to quickly make some bad decisions that have far-reaching negative consequences. In other words, YOU are going to become the biggest part your problem. To survive this and come out unscathed, you must take authority over your circumstances. That begins with admitting you’re hurting. Don’t confuse admitting you’re hurting with wallowing in your pain.
Overcoming mental and emotional suffering is a step by step process. You may not able to change the things you see, most people can't. But you can definitely change the way you see things. I have proven time and time again such set backs are really set ups. God allows you to experience disheartening predicaments for a reason. Whether you did something to deserve it or not, it happened. The question is how are you going to use it. Are you going to allow this to set you back? Or, are you ready to embrace change?
People come into your life for a season, a reason, or a lesson. When the season is over, when the reason is revealed, when the lesson is learned, let them go. Use this time to become aware of who you really are, not who you've become. Self assessment is crucial. Unless you take the time for introspection, there is a 90% chance that you will repeat history. Take the time to evaluate your life. Make a plan. I strongly recommend you take the MBTI assessment. It will help you better understand how you perceive people, circumstances and situations. Moreover, it will empower you to more effectively communicate with others, while identifying potential blind spots in your perceptive processing. Also, you will greatly benefit from knowing your attachment style, knowing your arguing style, and if kids are involved — your parenting style. Knowing where your view of gender roles came from will give you a decisive edge in creating a firm foundation for yourself, not to mention a future significant other. Knowledge is power. The more you know about yourself, the better. Until you fully understand yourself, the odds of having a successful relationship with anyone else in not in your favor.
by Master MBTI Practitioner, Master Certified Coach and Certified Professional Coach
Dr. D Ivan Young
This article was originally published at www.drdivanyoung.org. Reprinted with permission from the author.