Should You Stay Or Should You Go?

By Dr. Christine Carter. Posted on May 17th 2011.

Some relationship problems are workable. Others aren’t. Here's how to tell the difference.

So, should you stay or should you go? I shared this framework with a friend who is trying to decide whether or not to stay with her main squeeze, and it was nothing short of an epiphany for her.

She wants more romance; he thinks anything that smacks of Hallmark is needy and lame. She’d been thinking this could be a deal-breaker. “It’s NOT a deal-breaker!” she declared with obvious joy. “It’s a CYCLICAL CONFLICT!”

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They talked about the conflict in a way that made them both feel understood and loved. He admitted that while romance was hard for him, he enjoyed making her feel loved. They established a dialogue, made some headway (he even brought her flowers the next day), AND have also accepted that this is something likely to arise again in the future.

Knowing that she has a cyclical problem on her hands, and not a deal-breaker, has given my friend some peace. I hope having a better understanding of the problems that beset relationships also brings you a bit of well-being in this month of love.
Think about the problems that you have with your beloved: Are they solvable? Cyclical? Wounding? Or just plain deal-breakers?

This article originally appeared in Greater Good.

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Dr. Christine Carter

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Christine Carter, PhD., teaches the Raising Happiness Class online, where people from all over the world are learning fun, practical, and science-based parenting skills.

I am a sociologist & happiness expert at UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center and the author of Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.

Connect with me through my free Raising Happiness newsletter, Facebook & Twitter!

Location: Berkeley, CA

Credentials: PhD

Website: http://www.raisinghappiness.com

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