The happiest couples do the no-pants dance frequently.
Scientific research usually isn’t that sexy, but here’s a big exception: neuroscience is uncovering some secrets to long-lasting passion.
The good news is that the sexual spark doesn’t have to go out just because you’ve been together for, you know, ages. In fact, statistics show that married people do the horizontal mambo more than anybody else—which shouldn’t really be surprising, since they always find themselves in bed next to their spouse the end of the night (first rule of sex: proximity is essential).
But statistics also show that the longer we are married, the less frequently we do it. So clearly, proximity isn’t everything—even if you are getting it on more than your sex-and-the-city friends, for some couples, marital sex loses its heat over time. Here are some suggestions for putting the va-voom back in your bedroom:
(1) Moan. Or talk clearly. Remember that one of the keys to sexual pleasure is to get what you want. As nice as it would be to have a partner that can read your mind, they don’t exist, especially in the opposite-sex variety.
So heat things up a bit with some home-grown porn-star moaning to let your partner know when he or she is doing it right. If the “warmer… warmer…” approach isn’t getting you there, try a little dirty talk to offer more direct suggestions, or to praise previous acts that you are hoping will be repeated. (Ever used that specific, growth-mindset praise with your kids? Try it in bed if you want a high-achieving spouse.) If you blush just thinking about saying dirty words out loud, start quietly and whisper them to your partner at first.
(2) End the stalemate. Here’s the Catch-22: Women report that they are too tired for sex because their spouses don’t acknowledge how hard their lives are, often balancing the lion’s share of the housework and childcare with work outside the home. They say they’d have more energy for sex if their husbands would just write them more love-letters (any form of romance, love or affection would do), do more housework (at least don’t leave that pile of dirty laundry there for me to pick up!), and take the kids to school (don’t forget the food for the teacher appreciation pot-luck).
Men, on the other hand, report grouchiness during dry spells and say they’ll feel like writing that love poem just as soon as they get a little pickle tickle.
Stop it, you two. The key here is to find a way to feel good enough to do the deed without making it contingent on your partner changing something. To put your own oxygen mask on first, so to speak. What do YOU need to do to get to that place?
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This article was originally published at Greater Good Berkeley. Reprinted with permission from the author.