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Can You Marry A Guy Who Doesn't Share Your Values?

Love, Self

Armed with the right questions, you will know if you should marry him or run.

Without a general agreement between the two of you about core values, what issues that you care deeply about and how you want to live your lives together as a couple, your chances of being happily married for a lifetime are not good. As love and marriage experts, we know that you simply cannot marry a man who doesn't share your values.

So, how do you find out what he really thinks? Actually, a guy will tell you a great deal about what he thinks if you just ask him. Armed with the right questions, you can learn a lot about the guy you think you love. The challenge is to listen effectively and match his answers against your core values, what you care deeply about and matters most to you. 

What does he think about each of the core values that form the basis of all great relationships?

1. The couple in love is committed to always putting each other first in their relationship with each other. Discovering that neither of you alone are the center of the universe is the hallmark of a great relationship. If he can truly commit to putting you first before himself, then it is a powerful indicator that he is committed to making the relationship work.

Questions to ask him: ***You are listening to hear that he truly puts you first, as well as watching his reaction. He has to not only say the right words, his daily actions have to match his words.

  • Which is more important, my desire to eat healthy and exercise or your desire to eat fun fast foods and relax?
  • How important do you think it is for me to pursue my degree, career opportunity, life goals, and success?
  • Which is more important, my need to have a clean house or your need to put things wherever you want to?

2. The couple in love is committed to democracy in their relationship. True love is a very democratic thing! If one person has all the power and makes all the decisions, it is NOT love.

Questions to ask him: ***You are listening to hear that he thinks you are just as important in making decisions and thinking about issues as he is. Without a true partnership, it will be impossible to have an egalitarian relationship.

  • How will we determine who does what chores or who has which responsibilities?
  • How will we decide what to do in our free time on weekends?
  • How will we decide what friends we want to hang around with?

3. The couple in love is committed to ensuring their mutual happiness. True love is not just about ensuring your happiness. More importantly, both of you actually enjoy and are motivated by ensuring the happiness of someone other than yourself.

Questions to ask him: ***You are listening to hear that he is determined to do whatever it takes to make you happy and that your happiness is important to him.

  • How important do you think it is that I am happy?
  • Is it more important that I am happy or that you are satisfied?  Can we have both?
  • If what makes me happy you don't like to do, how will you deal with that?

4. The couple in love values absolute trustworthiness and integrity in their relationship with each other. Trust is at the very heart of a successful marriage. If you cannot trust the one you love, then it is not true love!

Questions to ask him: ***You are listening to hear that he always tells the truth, that he highly values trustworthiness and that you can depend upon him. He has to claim a 9 or a 10 on honesty to feel honesty is important to his personality.

  • Do you always tell the truth to your family and friends?
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how honest are you with other people?
  • Ask him about anything that he might be holding back about and see if he opens up.

5. The couple in love is committed to caring and unconditional love for each other. When you truly love someone you do so without conditions. It is not about loving you IF . . . True love is unconditional.

Questions to ask him: ***You are listening to hear unconditional love, not love that is only if.  Love has to be given freely and not based upon what ifs.

  • Will you love me if I gain 50 pounds?
  • If I become sick and cannot contribute to our family income, what will you do?
  • Can you think of a time or situation when you would not still love me?

6. The couple in love is committed to being mutually respectful towards each other. Respectfulness is at the very heart of all great loving relationships.

Questions to ask him: ***You are listening to hear that he will treat you with respect whether in public or in private. There is NO compromise here on this issue. Either he treats you with respect all of the time or you need to consider this guy as someone you cannot spend your life with. As love and marriage experts, we can tell you that respect is something you cannot fake and you cannot live without.

  • When we are in public, will you share things with others that are not flattering about me?
  • Will you always treat me with respect or only do so when we are in front of other people?
  • Will you ever chip away at my confidence level by putting me down or will you find my strengths compelling?

7. The couple in love values their mutual sense of responsibility for each other. A person in love cares for the one their love in ways that they have never cared for another human being.

Questions to ask him: ***You are listening to hear that he expresses positive worry about you. He should be concerned and interested in your healthy living habits, safety and general wellbeing. This should include the feeling of responsibility for your success.

  • How interested in my health are you?
  • Do you have thoughts about my wellbeing and worry about my safety?
  • Do you feel a sense of pride when I accomplish my career goals, such as further education or career promotions?

The best marriages survive and thrive because they are committed to this set of core values, which are present in all successful loving relationships. If both you and the guy you are thinking about marrying have core values that match, your love has a good chance of thriving over your lifetime together.

Creating a successful relationship is not always the easiest thing to do. Your visiting our blog suggests you are highly interested in making your relationship work! And truthfully, we have learned over 30 years of marriage research that there are proven effective ways to ensure a happy and healthy marriage. In fact, as love and marriage experts we took hundreds of tips from the thousands of happy couples we interviewed throughout the world and put them into our award-winning and bestselling book, Building a Love that Lasts.

By Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts

**Today, you can see how you stack up to the best marriages around the world. Take the Marriage Quiz to assess your chances of achieving a successful marriage of your own.

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