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You can still save your marriage.
By Dr. Charles & Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz
Last updated on Apr 06, 2024
There is nothing more painful than watching your marriage disintegrate before your eyes. It hurts. It may be amongst the most painful experiences you will have in your lifetime. During our many radio and television interviews over the years, we are often asked one simple question, "How will I know if my marriage is in trouble?"
Here are 7 giant warning signs your marriage is in deep trouble:
1. One or both of you show increasing disrespect for each other.
In failing marriages, there are growing signs of disrespect. Resentment and contempt have replaced patience and love. You go out of your way to avoid being together. And sadly, you are happier away from your spouse than with them. Having fun with your mate seems to be a thing of the past. When mutual respect and understanding fail, your marriage is well on the way to its end. Make no mistake about that.
2. You fight and argue much more often than before and do so unfairly.
The fact is, you have nothing nice to say to or about each other anymore. You love to nitpick at each other. Your teasing isn't fun, it is now painful and hurtful. You use each other as personal pincushions!
Sadly, your arguments are repeatedly about the same subjects. You are increasingly critical of each other, fight constantly, and no longer fight fairly. As we have said, it's OK to argue — all successfully married couples do. But the truth is, successfully married couples have learned how to fight fair. Their arguments do not become personal and attack-oriented.
3. You and your spouse are no longer capable of communicating with each other in meaningful and productive ways.
Communication between a husband and a wife is of paramount importance to the health of a successful marital relationship. Failing marriages communicate less and less. There are fewer and fewer meaningful exchanges between the two people who occupy the marriage bond.
Worse yet, they don't talk with each other about their mutual problems anymore. Frankly, failing marriages lose the ability and the willingness to resolve their marital problems. They just don't care anymore.
When communication between a husband and wife shuts down, there is little hope for the marriage. Always remember no problem was ever resolved, no divide ever bridged, and no disagreement ever broached when people refused to communicate. When communication falters, a marriage is in trouble.
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4. Intimacy in your marriage is low and increasingly non-existent.
In a failing marriage, intimacy is low. Physical intimacy becomes more and more infrequent. Marriage partners turn into roommates and live together in the same home but do not share the intimacies of marriage. Unfortunately, intimacy has become a thing of the past.
It is clear from our more than 30 years of research that physical intimacy is over-rated when it comes to the best marriages. Many other elements are equally or more important to a successful marriage. But make no mistake — intimacy is about more than the physical. Intimacy is holding hands on a walk, snuggling in the morning, hugging a lot, touching each other, and, in general, feeling emotion for each other.
5. Your conversations and discussions are dominated by financial arguments.
It is clear when you argue increasingly and incessantly about financial issues, your marriage is in trouble. We have written extensively about this subject over the past two years, and if the truth were known, most arguments in a marriage center on financial issues.
Worse yet, you discover your spouse lies about money and other financial-related issues. They lie about the bills, the balances, the payoffs, and the commitments. A very bad sign, indeed.
We live in trying times when it comes to the economy and finances. But the truth is that the best marriages survive and thrive during trying economic times. The best marriages find a way to deal with the economic uncertainties.
Failing marriages have not learned to cope with economic uncertainty because they have not learned how to communicate with each other. If all you talk about is your financial plight, your marriage is in trouble.
6. Your spouse cannot be trusted anymore.
Trust is the centerpiece of a great marriage! Nothing is more central to a successful marriage than the ability to trust. If you can't trust your spouse, whom can you trust?
When you or your spouse start to have thoughts of being unfaithful and think more and more about divorce, your marriage is in trouble. Let's face it, when the trust level between you and your spouse nears zero, there is little hope for your marriage.
7. Family members increasingly choose sides instead of striving for common ground and common understandings.
Your immediate family finds it more difficult to find common ground in debates, discussions, and conversations. Family members start to choose sides. Winning and losing becomes the order of the day. Compromise is out the window. Moreover, you and your spouse try to isolate each other from family and friends. Divide and conquer becomes the order of the day.
It's sad but true, that those marriages that become dysfunctional display symptoms of division and lack of common understanding among family members. Family unity begins to disintegrate. Feuding families are not good for a healthy marriage.
To summarize, try to recognize the telltale signs of a failing marriage. Pay close attention. When you witness the signs, take action. Save your relationship if you can. Having a healthy happy marriage is one of the great success stories. It is not too late to save your marriage.
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Dr. Charles and Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz are renowned love and marriage experts and multiple award-winning authors. Their best-selling book, Building A Love That Lasts, provides readers with insightful and practical tips from thousands of happily married couples.