The Do-Over

By

The Do-Over
Did your partner trigger you? Here's a simple way to route around that fight.

In our intimate relationships, it's easy to get emotionally triggered, and this often descends into unhappiness and arguments. It doesn't have to, though. Here's a quick and effective way to avoid getting into quarrels with your partner: the "do-over."

Here's how it works: let's say your partner says or does something that triggers you. For instance, you say, "I'll do the dishes today," and he (or she) responds with "Good!" Not the answer you were hoping for, right? So what are your options? The two most familiar ones are fight or flight. You can go on the offensive with something like, "There you go again! Can't you ever say 'thank you'?" Which is fight. Or, you can say nothing and privately nurse the feeling that your partner is an ungrateful lout. Flight.

There's a third way, too. Recognize that you've been triggered (a fancy way of saying pissed off, upset or annoyed) and ask for a "do over." You ask for a repeat of the triggering transaction, but in a way that produces a satisfactory outcome. In the above example, a do-over would look something like this:

He: "I'll do the dishes today."

She: "Good."

He (resisting a flight or flight reaction): "Can we please have a do-over?"

She: "Sure."

He: "I'll do the dishes today."

She: "Great! Thanks, love!"

He: "My pleasure."

A couple of comments about this. First, it takes two to do over. The partners have to be in agreement that this is a legitimate and desirable strategy, and that it is not up for discussion whether a request for a do-over is okay. A do-over is always okay! Triggering happens, and when you've been triggered, it's always acceptable to ask to replay the story so it has a happier ending.

Second, do-overs have a double benefit. In the short term, they keep unnecessary quarrels from happening. Over the long term, they help partners learn about their triggering behavior, and to do so in a context that is outcome-oriented and unlikely to produce a cascading bad reaction. In other words, it's a context that's easy to learn from.

Arguments that could have been avoided are a long-term relationship killer. That's why do-overs are so useful. At the end of the day, it's a whole lot better to do a conversation over than an entire relationship. 

**********

Looking for sex and relationship breakthroughs? Then come to Your Super Sex Makeover, being held Sept. 16-18 in New York State's Hudson Valley, conveniently near New York City. Co-led by Sheri Winston and Jaiya, two nationally known and acclaimed sex teachers, it will take you deep into the exploration of your capacity for connection and intimacy. It's the BEST PLEASURE-TO-COST RATIO EVER! Click here for details ... 

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Carl Frankel

Author

Carl Frankel is a writer specializing in sex and relationships. He is also a relationship coach and the managing director of Sheri Winston's Center for the Intimate Arts.

He is the author of Love and the More Perfect Union: Six Keys to Relationship Bliss. He is also a listed author on the forthcoming Succulent Sexcraft: Your Hands-On Guide to Erotic Play and Practice, by Sheri Winston with Carl Frankel. This is the highly-awaited sequel to Sheri's Women's Anatomy of Arousal: Secrets Maps to Buried Pleasure, which won the 2010 AASECT Book of the Year Award (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists).

Do you want $800 in great gifts (as in, FREE gifts) from wonderful sex and relationship teachers? It's easy! Click here for more info. But you'll have to check this out by September 16th to qualify!

 

Location: Kingston, NY
Credentials: Other
Other Articles/News by Carl Frankel:

Coming from Giving Oral Sex is NOT Just a Porn Fantasy

By

Back in the 1970s, the groundbreaking porn movie Deep Throat had a silly but effective story line. The heroine, played by Linda Lovelace, could only get off by shoving a large object down her gullet. Why? Because her clitoris was in her throat. Fast-forward forty years later and what was once a “holy-moly” party trick is now something every ... Read more

Understanding Your Inner Music Is The Key To Relationships

By

Relationships are challenging. Hell, even good relationships are challenging. It's one of those semi-unfathomable mysteries — why is love so hard? There's actually an answer to this question. Love is hard because it's what the script calls for. Say what? What script? Great question. My answer will take you through the wee ... Read more

Why Believing In Soul Mates Is Keeping You Single & Unhappy

By

So you think you've finally found that perfect person you've been waiting for? You fit together so well and in so many ways. He or she is your soul mate. It's an ancient dream, this longing to end the abyss that separates one person from another. Over two thousand years ago, Plato proposed that man and woman were once one. They were split ... Read more

See More

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.