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Self-doubt is the first indicator to take a deeper look.
By Annie Kaszina
Last updated on Apr 08, 2024
You’ve been happy with your partner for a while, but now, something feels wrong. It’s the last thing you want to believe, but you wonder: is he cheating on me?
How can you tell for sure? More than anything, you want to trust him and may, in turn, ignore some big signs of cheating. You want to believe him, but something is nibbling away at the back of your mind until you feel like you are emotionally unstable. You've reached the stage of doubting yourself.
Here are 15 hard-to-ignore signs he's cheating on you:
1. You notice the "usual" signs of cheating.
You'll notice the usual signs, especially if it happens more than once: Lipstick on his collar or clothes, unexpected marks indicative of physically intimate activity on his body, another woman’s scent on his clothes or hair.
2. He has increased his working hours.
All of a sudden, he’s working longer hours, or maybe he even has to travel, so he’s away from you overnight for a couple of days at a time or even longer. This is especially incriminating when coupled with other signs, like sudden lifestyle expenses (drinks, meals, hotels) that don't include you. These are clear pointers he may well be playing away.
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3. He’s not present.
Even when he’s physically present, he’s off in his world not there with you.
4. He cares about his appearance.
This is all of a sudden, whether that means dressing better, sudden heavy use of aftershave, or an infatuation with the gym.
5. He develops a new enthusiasm for a woman coworker or friend.
This is for a colleague at work, a newly single female, or even a friend of yours. Suddenly, he’s talking about her a lot and only too willing to help her.
6. He starts keeping secrets.
He’s become remarkably tight-lipped about some areas of his life away from you. He might even get angry with you if you keep bringing them up.
7. He doesn't notice you at all.
You could probably wear a bag over your head, and he wouldn’t notice. Even when he "makes an effort" to be with you, he doesn’t notice you. Someone once told me she’d stuck a strand of her long hair in the flame during a candle-lit dinner with her husband, and he didn’t notice!
8. You're getting hints from friends and family members.
Chances are they have your best interests at heart and know something you don’t.
9. The frequency of his intimacy changes.
For some men, cheating makes them pull away from their girlfriends or wives, but for others, they may increase the amount of intimate attention they pay you to compensate for their cheating. Either way, when you’re physically intimate, the thought might jump into your head out of nowhere that he’s been unfaithful. Chances are that’s your body’s wisdom speaking.
10. Your intuition is screaming.
It's yelling at you he’s having an affair. You may not be able to substantiate what your intuition is saying, but that doesn’t stop it from being true. Your intuition doesn’t have an agenda. It doesn’t want you to hold onto this man at all costs. It just tells you the truth it picks up from a thousand subtle clues.
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11. He accuses you of being jealous and gaslights you.
Attacking is a cheater’s best form of defense. These are ploys to make you doubt yourself. Unless you are a habitually jealous person, trust your gut. If you are a habitually jealous person, address your issues and current concerns.
12. He constantly professes his love and devotion to you.
Nice as these may be, they are just words. Unless he puts commitment and availability behind them, he’s just saying them to keep you sweet, so you don’t rock his boat. If he loves you, he’ll make the time and the effort to spend quality time with you — no matter how busy he is.
13. He shows you his accounts to dismiss other evidence.
Doing this is not necessarily conclusive proof he's not cheating. An accomplished cheat will have a mobile you’ll never even see, which he uses for his other woman/women. The same goes for email accounts. As regards social media, unless he wants you to find out, you probably won’t find any traces of her cheating on his social media pages.
14. He confesses to cheating but vows it's all over.
Serial cheaters often resort to this when they’re worried their cover has been blown or they’ve pushed you too far. Once again, words are cheap. They need to prove long-term availability and commitment by being there for you and working at making the relationship work.
15. He sweeps you away on a romantic break.
As nice as this may be, you know he’s a man who’s good at wooing and winning. You need to know exactly what is going to be different in the future and what he’s prepared to do to keep the lines of loving communication open. If he can’t answer, then there’s a problem.
If the signs stack up, then you have your answer. Now, you need to think about how you move forward, whether you can do that as a couple, or whether you need to start over. Either way, there is a fair amount of rethinking you'll want to do so you never end up in this same place of hurt, heartbreak, and humiliation again.
If you're worried about what you must have been doing wrong and how you can ever trust again, then help is at hand.
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Dr. Annie Kaszina is an international speaker, women’s relationship expert, and author of over a dozen books and audio programs.