Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

The Tell-Tale Signs He's Cheating On You

couple arm-hold
Love, Heartbreak

Something's wrong. You lack proof, but your heart knows he's cheating. What signs should you trust?

You’ve been happy with your partner for a while, but now, something feels wrong. It’s the last thing you want to believe, but you suspect he might be cheating on you. How can you tell for sure? More than anything, you want to trust him. If you want to believe him, but something is nibbling away at the back of your mind, until you feel like you could be going crazy. You've reached the stage of doubting yourself. Here are all the pointers you need: the signs you must heed -- that is the 10 tell-tale signs that he's cheating on you -- as well as the signs that mislead.

The Signs You Must Heed:

1)The Usual Suspects  

You'll notice the usual signs, especially if it happens more than once: lipstick on his collar or clothes, unexpected marks indicative of sexual activity on his body, another woman’s scent on his clothes or hair.

2) Increased "Working Hours"

All of a sudden, he’s working longer hours or maybe he even has to travel, so he’s away from you overnight for a couple of days at a time or even longer, especially when this is coupled with other signs, like sudden lifestyle expenses (drinks, meals, hotels) that don't include you. These are clear pointers that he may well be "playing away." 

3) He’s Not Present 

Even when he’s physically present, he’s off in his own world, and he’s not really there with you.  

4) He Takes A Dramatically Increased Pride In His Appearance

This is all of a sudden, whether that means dressing better, a sudden heavy use of after shave or an infatuation with the gym. 

5) A New Enthusiasm Another Woman He Knows 

This is for a colleague at work, a newly single female or even a friend of yours. Suddenly, he’s talking about her a LOT and only too willing to help her.

6) He’s Secretive

He’s become remarkably tight-lipped about some areas of his life away from you. In fact, he might even get angry with you if you keep bringing them up.

7) He Stops Noticing You

You could probably wear a bag over your head, and he wouldn’t notice. Even when he ‘makes an effort’ to be with you, he doesn’t really notice you. A client once told me she’d stuck a strand of her long hair in the flame during a candle-lit dinner with her husband -- and he didn’t notice!

8) Hints And Warnings From Friends And Families  

Chances are, they have your best interests at heart, and they know something you don’t.  

9) He May Well Be Less Sexually Available 

Although this is not always the case, when you’re physically intimate, the thought jumps into your head out of nowhere that he’s been unfaithful. Chances are that’s your body’s wisdom speaking.  

10) Your Intuition Is Screaming

It's yelling at you that he’s having an affair. You may not be able to substantiate what your intuition is saying, but that doesn’t stop it from being true. Your intuition doesn’t have an agenda. It doesn’t want you to hold onto this man at all costs. It just tells you the truth that it picks up from a thousand subtle clues.

The Signs That Mislead

1. His Accusations That You’re Jealous And/Or Crazy

Attack is a cheater’s best form of defense. These are classic ploys for making you doubt yourself. Unless you are a habitually jealous person, you need to trust your gut. (If you are a habitually jealous person, then you need to address your own issues as well as your current concerns.)

2. Protestations Of Love And Devotion 

Nice as these may be, they are just words. Unless he puts commitment and availability behind them, he’s just saying them to keep you sweet, so you don’t rock his boat. If he really loves you, he’ll make the time and the effort to spend quality time with you -- no matter how busy he is.

3Showing You His Text Messages And Email Accounts.  

Doing this is not necessarily conclusive proof. An accomplished cheat will have a mobile that you’ll never even seen, which he uses for his other woman/women. The same goes for email accounts. As regards social media, unless he is an idiot, and/or wants you to find out, you probably won’t find any traces of her cheating on his social media pages.

4. A Sudden Confession And A Vow That It’s All Over 

Serial cheaters often resort to this when they’re worried their cover has been blown or that they’ve pushed you too far. Once again, words are cheap, they need to prove long-term availability and commitment by being there for you, and working at making the relationship work. 

5. Sweeping You Away On The Romantic Break

Nice as this may be, you know that he’s a man who’s good at wooing and winning. You need to know exactly what is going to be different in the future, and what he’s prepared to do to keep the lines of -- loving -- communication open. If he can’t answer that, then there’s a problem.

If the signs stack up, then you have your answer. Now, you need to think about how you move forward; whether you can do that with a couple, or whether you need to start over. Either way, there is a fair amount of rethinking that you'll want to do, so that you never end up in this same place of hurt, heart-break and humiliation again.

If you're worrying about what you must have been doing wrong, and how you can ever trust again, then help is at hand.

Annie Kaszina is an internationally acclaimed women's relationship expert who helps women stop struggling with hurt and heartache so they can find their perfect loving, lasting relationship. Annie helps bright, heart-centred women move on from relationship failure so they can find the quality partner they know they deserve. It's never too late to discover how you can choose your man successfully:

This article was originally published at The Mail Online. Reprinted with permission from the author.


Explore YourTango