Divorce and Childrearing: How Parents Can Nurture and Protect The

 3.  Tolerate your kids' acting out behavior. Know that it is normal for kids and adolescents and even adult children to react very badly to their parents divorcing.  Again, depend on your support system for guidance, don't try to handle everything yourself.  If you are the parent who is being blamed for the divorce, it's extremely painful emotionally.  The same kid who is railing against you today will come around in a year, if you don't allow yourself to get disregulated emotionally by his or her hostility.  Again, use your resource system.

 4. Make a commitment to yourself that no matter how furious and hatefilled your are toward your ex, you will not express these feelings to your children. Place compassionate feelings toward your children at the top of your mind. Imagine what it feels like to your children to believe that if they love their other parent, you will be disappointed, devastated, or rejecting toward them. Tell yourself that the momentary relief you get from venting to your children is miniscule in comparison to the damage you do to them in making them feel guilty for loving both parents. Use imagery to strengthen your resolve.  Imagine the pleasure you will  feel, at the end of your life,  looking back and knowing that you sacrificed your short term feelings in order to invest in the kids' long term happiness. If you have to vent, and you might feel you have to, use the people and resources you identified in step one as outlets.  As the years go by, you can remind yourself that holding on to this kind of resentment is like mixing a vat of poison for another person to drink, and then drinking it yourself.

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 5.  Watch to make sure that financial instability does not fuel your wrath.  If you are the least well financially resourced person, work on developing your ability to make money in the future.  Do not pull your kids into your anxiety or your anger at your ex for whatever nasty financial events are occurring.  If you are Mr. or Ms. Moneybags, don’t' vent to your children about how unfair it is that you have to pay alimony or support.  Again, this is what you are going to use your support system for.  You're allowed to have all of your feelings. You just can't share them with your kids.

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6.  Be equally vigilant in policing the negative  comments you make about men, women, and marriage.   Your children's willingness to grow up and make a commitment to a relationship depends on what you teach them about trust and love in your words today.