I'm a couples and sex therapist, and I'll give you my definition of good sex. It will most certainly surprise you: Good sex is regularly getting naked with another person you love, touching each other tenderly, expecting something good to happen, and being delighted and appreciative of whatever does happen.. You don't know exactly what it will be. It's different every time. All you know is this: You both will take off your clothes, you'll feel safe with each other, and something nice will occur.
(1) Focus on safety.
If we "unpack" the concept of feeling safe, here are some of the things we will find inside.
You each feel safe in your own imperfect body.
You each feel safe that your naked body will be lovingly cared for and protected by the other
You each feel safe asking for whatever you need to feel physically at ease and embodied, whether that means, for instance, an extra pillow, a change in room temperature, an extra lock on the door, a pickle, changing the song on the itunes playlist, or, a newly shaved or showered partner. The possibilities of what you might need each and every separate time are boundless and idiosyncratic. You get the picture. Whatever you ask for, it won't be an issue or an insult for your partner. It will just be part of the flow, par for the course, part of the favors you are doing for eachother during this special activity.
You each feel safe asking for unique, intimate, sexual favors.
You each feel safe asking for the kinds of touches you want, when and how you want them. No touch is considered weird, and the personal touches that aren't generally considered as "sexual" are given with love and for enough time. You are not afraid of your longing to be touched in a particular way. You feel safe expressing it.
You each feel safe and respected asking not to be touched in any areas that trigger uncomfortable feelings (even if these change from one time to the next.)You feel safe asking to have a certain kind of touch postponed, if the pacing is off.
You each feel safe refusing (kindly, softly, and calmly) to do anything you are asked to do that doesn't feel right, or that is upsetting (even if this is something you usually do and usually are happy to do.)
You each feel safe letting the other person give you pleasure, and you feel safe letting him/her know that you're feeling pleasure.
You each feel safe allowing good feelings to grow in your body, to be in contact with your animal nature, to give up control to what your body wants to do.
If your body doesn't feel what you think or wish it would do or feel, or your partner's body doesn't do what you wish it would do or feel, you still feel safe--
safe in yourself, and safe in his/her arms, and safe with your feelings, and safe letting go of perfection.
You each feel safe with the fact that you have no idea exactly what will happen. Human bodies aren't machines, and sex is not a contest.
You each feel safe laughing at the funny places.