The old saying, “Happy wife, happy life” started me thinking about men and their sexual plight. A married man who wants any shred of sanity must learn to say, “Yes dear” often, no matter the circumstance.
And, after his teenage years where his guys-gone-wild antics are both expected and praised, the average guy in a long term relationship gets the crummy end of the sex stick.
Let’s take a look at his sex life as he innocently ventures into long-term relationship land. He comes into the relationship only equipped with a sexual repertoire made up of experiences with past partners (if any), a few pornos he may have watched, plus some sketchy information he learned in the locker room. If born after 1970, he’s politically correct and understands it’s his “job” to pleasure the woman first—which, in his mind, means giving her an orgasm.
No matter what his sexual experiences are compared to hers, he is expected to take charge and lead the sex show. So with high hopes and good intentions, he goes in like a good little soldier and does his best. And, at first, the sex seems great. But after a while she doesn’t seem to be as enthusiastic in bed. Soon he notices her shying away from his touch outside the bedroom.
Now even if he is a sensitive guy, he does not come equipped with “the sex talk” communication skills and has been told all his life that emotions are “girly”. He’s stuck there with zero clue about how to ask her why things have changed. So his clumsy attempts at managing the situation are either to keep it silent, boiling under the surface, or to start yelling. If and when he finally does express his feelings and frustrations, he becomes the bad guy. You see, he didn’t properly empathize with her situation.
Still he keeps forging ahead and does his best to initiate sex. However, now the way he initiates doesn’t suit her and she makes a list of demands as long as his arm. She wants 24 hours’ notice, candlelight, baths, music and all things that are brand new to him—and which he doesn’t have a sniff how to carry out.
And then, this is the “funny” part, when he does acquiesce to her demands she gets bent out of shape because she still feels forced into having sex. I’ve spoken to many a woman who said, when her guy poured an aromatic bath, or when she walked into a candlelit bedroom, her heart sank into her stomach. She didn’t feel like having sex right then and there.
I’ve heard the similar comments from men who say, “I did all the romantic shtick she and the books told me to do, only for her to get even more upset, turn on her heel and walk away.” Or, “I tried nuzzling and kissing hours before bedtime to get her into the mood and she kept angrily pulling away from me. I guess I’m not very good at this romantic stuff.” I’m certain I hear the men’s hearts break when they confide this to me.
The question becomes: what’s a guy to do when he wants sex? Especially if, no matter what he does, he’s either going to be shot down or made wrong. I am in no way saying guys are perfect. But ladies, we have to start giving men more some slack and empathize with his state of affairs. If the roles were reversed, we’d be at our wits’ end.
He’s been given minimum sex and communication training. Although he may have learned a few tricks of the trade, he was never given the opportunity to finesse the “softer side” of sex. He’s scared silly to talk about it because he will be considered not sexually worthy. It all adds up to a lose/ lose proposition for him.
Plus, a big part of sex for a man is it’s his emotional connection time where he can let down his guard and be vulnerable. So when he is initiating sex, it’s just as likely that he needs an emotional connection as he does the physical act. Except men don’t really understand that is the dynamic being played out. If she rejects him, he doesn’t know how to otherwise reach out and get his much needed injection of couple time.
I empathize with all the women who are dealing with an absolute miserable cow of a man because he isn’t getting any. Yes, he throws guilt and passive-aggressive tantrums, doesn’t appreciate that him doing laundry-as-foreplay is a great aphrodisiac, and doesn’t understand that you have more than two body parts to grab during sex.
You don’t deserve to be treated that way. And I’m here to say that neither does he and it’s time to take a long hard look at what can be done to make sex good for both of you.