Week #6--New Year New Sex Life?

(Originally published January 2, 2010) Week #6 Six Month Sex Challenge—Is good intention enough to help a flagging sex life?

Lesson that I learned last week: Our sex life will never be the hot crazy sex it once was; and yet we now can create something deeper and richer to take us over time.

Does the New Year really bring with it a new sex life?

New Years is a time to make resolutions with intent in order to change or transform ourselves for the better. Intention. Such a little word with such big meaning.

I came to the startling realization this week that my sex life has always been and always will be ruled by my intentions (a bit of a Sexologist’s “Eureka” moment actually).

For the last six years, my life’s intention was to have a child. This intention was so strong that, at times, I was blinded to all else.

Every month for the past six years has seen me at the stroke of ovulation having sex. As anyone who has done the ovulation sex thing over and over again can attest, it’s an all consuming endeavor. Then came waiting to see if pregnancy occurred—if it didn’t then there’s the inevitable let down. If pregnancy did occur, I was hanging on by my nails (barely able to breath) to see if the baby stuck.

After struggling (eleven miscarriages) to get my two children, I can see the zeal to have children, plus the usual couple challenges, plus my workaholic tendencies, has created a lot of bumps and bruises to my relationship.

Thank goodness the baby making chapter is finished. The next chapter in my life’s story is to give my relationship a big dose of TLC. It was the reason why I created this Six Month Sex Challenge: to make my relationship and intimacy a priority. But it seems what this challenge has really done so far is highlight all the relationship cracks that need mending.

Going into the challenge I knew getting intimacy back would be a little complicated. However, I’m the type of person that when I put my mind to something, I’m like a bull in a china shop. I am unrelenting and always make things happen in a big way.

But so far this pursuit to rejuvenate my sex life isn’t working. Yes, part of it is a lack of time; part finding a new sexual rhythm. But the biggest part is a (subconscious?) lack of trust that what we are trying to do will actually work. That once get our sex life back on track it won’t, once again, fall to the wayside. Neither of us wants to be let down.

It’s incredibly hard to have great sex when all these complicated emotions get in the way.

Which brings me back to my sex expert’s mantra: sex is so much more than sticking a penis inside a vagina. It’s about how a couple treats each other in and out of the bedroom. Being nice to each other. Showing affection. Not taking the relationship for granted. Making sure to put at least a little time every week into tending and maintaining the relationship.

Otherwise, as I’m ironically seeing in my own relationship, you end up after two kids having a hell of a time reconnecting.