Can’t help but wonder if being a sexless soccer mom is an inevitable part of my future.
It seemed like such a great idea…
The email from our community association landed in my in-box a month ago: I could enroll my 2 ½ year old in soccer. Visions of a happy, tired out toddler with good team skills immediately filled my head. Even more adorable was my husband decided to become a coach. Such a perfect situation….and then the reality of my situation set in…
“He’s playing twice a week…?” I looked at my husband in dismay the first night we were scrambling to get to the soccer field on time. He gave me a “holy crap what did we get ourselves into” look back.
By end of the first evening we put the kids to bed and collapsed (literally collapsed) onto the sofa. Sex? Are you kidding me? Not a chance. We barely had the energy to mop the drool escaping from our mouths.
I called my sister the next day—who has three kids…all in activities—and mentioned the soccer being “oh my god, twice a week”. There was a slight pause and my sister answered, “Just wait until both your kids are doing activities.” Many explanatives were muttered under my breath.
My sexless future flashed before my eyes. Trying to fit sex in while carting kids at least four nights a week; with my husband playing hockey four nights a week; on top of everything else that needs to get done in a week. More explanatives muttered.
It was then I remembered a quote from Ellen Kreidman’s book, How Can We Light A Fire When the Kids Are Driving Us Crazy?, “Since you are parents, you must be more flexible, creative, and focused in meeting your needs. In fact, the older your children, the more flexible, creative, and focused you have to become. By learning to be creative, you’ll be forced to find new and exciting ways to be lovers.”
Flexible…and creative…right…?!?!!? It seems that with these two little kids, it’s only ever been an exercise in flexibility. I can’t imagine that I have to become even more flexible once they get older.
But when I take a look back…
I realize now that with my first son, I had oodles and oodles of time to make sex happen. With the second child, negotiating sex became a little more complicated but in the end still doable. If I’m being quite honest, maybe I desperately wanted to believe I that I had a few more years before the “flexible and creative” bit became something to deal with…again. Guess not.
Yet another fork in the sex road
Since having children there have been a series of events that brings me to a metaphorical ‘fork in the sex road’. That is, just when my sex life back gets back on track there is a big disruption which makes creating a space for intimacy and sex seem really difficult.
At first it was the sleepless nights. Next it was constantly being sick due to our first child being in daycare. Next it was me being pregnant and then having a newborn. Now it’s moving into the next ‘our kids are in activities’ phase. I can’t fathom what’s next.
For once what I want more than life itself is for sex and my relationship not to be a work in progress, rather something effortless and easy. I am truly discouraged and really don’t know where I’m going to get the energy to be ‘flexible and creative’.
But I know from experience
To do nothing and let things ‘ride’ will create an even bigger mess in the very near future. A mess I don’t’ have the will, want or energy to deal with at this point in my life. It’s better to figure this out now and get my sex life back on track. A stitch in time and all that. Sigh.
So here we go again, an opportunity (said with sarcasm) be creative and flexible and a chance to get an even deeper and meaningful intimacy with my partner. Appreciate (said with sincerity) that my efforts will be worth it.
Read all the Six Month Sex Challenge posts here.