Today’s average couple is always on the go and busy. Somehow getting through each day stretched for time, overworked and tired. It’s not surprising then that being tired gets in the way of them having good sex on a regular basis—but not in the way you might think. A big couple conundrum and question to me is, “How can we want sex when we’re always so tired?”
My response, “Usually it’s not the being tired that is preventing you from wanting sex.”
An inevitable long and cold silence, followed with a brisk and defensive, “You don’t think being tired plays havoc on people’s sex lives?”
My response, “There’s a reason sleep is considered the new sex. I think exhaustion is very real and a big concern for couples. No doubt, there are many times when a couple is too tired to have sex. Generally though, being tired shouldn’t equate to a person’s motivation to have sex (a.k.a. sexual desire).”
The problem of pointing the finger of blame of “we’re just too tired”, is it usually covers up for other things that have gone wrong in the bedroom: lack of communication, build up of resentment, boring sex, the list goes on and on. It’s easier for a couple to sidestep a huge argument(s) by not opening that Pandora’s box. Agreeing that they are too tired becomes an easy salve on a big wound.
In fact, many a men and women has confessed that saying “I’m too tired” has become a bad habit—they say it before they really think about whether they are or not.
Not to rub salt in a we’re-not-having-enough-sex-wound but I know plenty of couples who have great sex lives—exhausted or not. In fact, they have more sex when they are tired because it’s their way of relaxing and feeling good—given sex can flood the brain with wonderful, endorphins, oxytocin, and so on.
Instead of focusing on a “symptom” of being exhausted, couples need to look at the bigger picture of how they are having sex. They also need to wrap their heads around creating more realistic expectations on what is doable for their present lifestyle and schedule.
Sex, like everything else in life, has its ebbs and flows. Sometimes there will be periods of upheavals having and it will be sex once a month. During calm periods, they can easily have sex once a week (if that’s their frequency preference). Sometimes, albeit not often, they will look each other in the eyes and want rip each other’s clothes off.
It all starts with a heart-to-heart talk outside the bedroom like, “This is our extremely busy situation for the next six months. What can we do sexually and/ or to stay connected even if we aren’t having as much sex as we’d like?”
If you’re truly in a busy period of your life, forcing the “sex once a week” formula will probably cause more harm then it will do good. Instead focus on maintaining intimacy outside the bedroom: touching, kissing, being nice to each other.
Or if you’re dealing more with the daily grind of life, scheduling sex is the easiest way for a couple to keep their sex life on the radar. It may not seem romantic and a couple usually feel like failures because they can no longer have spontaneous sex; however, chances are if they don’t schedule, it’s not going to happen.
The upside to scheduling is it takes away any negative feelings of who is going to initiate sex and her walking around on egg shells wondering if “tonight is the night when I’ll have to have sex.” Research proves couples who schedule sex have more sex that is mutually satisfying.
So the next time the words, “I’m too tired” come out of your mouth as they relate to sex, think about how they are affecting your sex life overall. If you truly are too tired all the time, then maybe it’s time to get some balance in your life. After all, we can only hold our partner at arm’s length for so long before the relationship starts to suffer.