Stressed? Overworked? Exhausted? Here are some tips for nipping these sex-killers in the bud
Okay people…I fear I have stumbled upon an epidemic! Three, yes THREE different times this month I have had clients report that they would like to have more sex, but they simply don’t have the time or energy to do so. Are you kidding me? Sexy time doesn’t just fall into our laps…we have to make it a priority!
I get it. You’re busy, and possibly even exhausted. By the time you factor in the 50-hour work week, the countless hours spent commuting, time spent preparing meals, doing chores, putting out fires and chasing after the kids it’s miracle you’ve found space to sleep. (And you might not want to give up a precious hour of that time for some lovin’!)
If we factor out physiological inhibitors like hormonal imbalances & side effects from prescription medications…stress & exhaustion are the top two mood killers when it comes to sex. Here are some tips for nipping these in the bud and getting your sex life back on the priority list:
1. Stop trying to be Super Man (or Woman.) Seriously! Ask for help, delegate tasks & chores to others, and take advantage of the support available to you. Seemingly insignificant things like joining a carpool, spending one less night cooking dinner or doing dish-duty, or hiring someone to clean the house twice a month can make a world of difference. Consider where you might be able to lighten your load, and then do it.
2. Get more rest, whether it’s getting to bed earlier or taking a cat nap in the middle of the day, be certain you are getting enough sleep. Lack of adequate sleep is a primary contributor multiple health problems as well as decreased libido and increased likelihood of accidental injury (at home and while driving.) Don’t believe me? Commit to getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night for just 30 days and see what a difference it makes in your world.
3. Get a physical. Many times, fatigue and/or decreased libido can be attributed to hormone imbalance. It’d be helpful to know (or at least rule this out.)
4. Put “sex” on your schedule. Yes, seriously. The busier you are, the more important it is to make time for intimate connection (whether it be with yourself, or your partner!) Set time aside in your schedule for sex and then prepare for it just like you would any other special date.
5. Don’t be stingy with your time! Most Americans report “having sex” takes them 15-25 minutes. This will simply not do, people… Please take a minimum of 15 minutes to awaken your senses and erogenous zones before even considering intercourse. It takes time to build arousal, especially for women. You are robbing yourself of the true extent of your erotic pleasure if you don’t take time to warm up first. Leave yourself at least an hour for sex play…and then take all night (or day) if you’d like!
6. Get your sexy on. When you feel sexy, you are more likely to be sensual and sexual. Do yourself a favor and invest in something that makes you feel sexy – some lingerie, a new perfume or cologne, a pair of heels or a stylish new watch…perhaps it’s as simple as touching up your hair or makeup before your sex-date. It doesn’t have to be expensive but so what if it is? You deserve a treat!
7. Get in the mood. Ease into the mood by unwinding in whatever way suits you best. Perhaps you’d like to listen to some sultry music or take with a long bath, maybe you’ll light some candles or burn some essential oils. One of my personal faves: start with some sensual massage!
8. Don’t be afraid to “get yourself ready” for sex through fantasy. Desire might not always occur spontaneously, especially if you are tired or stressed. Give yourself permission to use your sexual imagination. Perhaps you want to recall one of your favorite sexual experiences…or one you have yet to live out yet! Never underestimate the power of your imagination.
9. Expand your ideas about “having sex.” Let’s just agree to let go of the idea that sex = penetration, okay?!? You don’t need to have intercourse to have sexual pleasure. There are plenty of other ways to have fun - oral sex, manual sex, mutual masturbation, stimulation with toys etc. Expand your mind and enjoy! Oh…and remember: sex doesn’t necessarily have to end with an orgasm. You can experience lots of physical pleasure and emotional connection without it. Try letting go of your expectations and just relish in the experience of intimacy.
10. Consider seeking professional help. You don’t have to go this alone. There are multiple benefits of seeking out professional help from a trained and compassionate intimacy coach, therapist, or sexologist.